Debate this!

It's high time we had a bit of lively discussion on here. I am working on an essay/article about the relationship between love and sex. Here's my premise(I don't know if the formatting will turn out weird; if so, I apologize):

I. Abstinence programs have some of the right ideas, but they are fatally flawed.

II. The surrounding culture assumes that if you love someone, then you express it through sex.
A. This leads to difficulty in maintaining close male/female friendships, because any loving feelings get interpreted as sexual desire.
B. It also leads to widespread promiscuity, because most people deeply love more than one person over the course of their lives.
C. This leads, as well, to increased homosexual behaviour, since one can deeply love a member of the same gender.

III. Abstinence programs simply tell kids to wait to express love; they do not challenge the basic flawed assumptions. They appear to agree that love equals sex.

My (current) concluding paragraph of the article: "We assume that lifelong celibates are cold and loveless (and perhaps not quite right in the head!). We fear expressing our love to our close friends, for fear that our actions will be 'misinterpreted.' We have forgotten that 'true love casts out fear.'We have been too fearful, and we must now learn to love again."

Raised Gnostic

"Sacraments are outward and visible signs of inward and spiritual grace, given by Christ as sure and certain means by which we receive that grace. "

Why do we need these outward signs? Simply because we are human, a strange amphibious joining of body and soul. But we no longer think of ourselves as such.

I realized recently that most Western Christians, myself included, have been raised to be gnostics.The primary doctrines of gnosticism are something like this:

1. Matter is evil.
2. Spirit is good.
3. Your body is evil since it is material, but your soul is good.
4. It doesn't matter what you do with your body, since it is already evil.(note: yes, I know this is a dramatic over-simplification. But it's true enough for government work)

Almost every person I knew growing up insisted that the material world and their own bodies were evil and "of the flesh," though no-one took much time to explain what was meant by that. But the goal of everyone's life was to "be more spiritual." Not more obedient, charitable, or disciplined. Spiritual. (No-one ever thought to remind us that the Devil is pure spirit....)

This leads inevitably to the idea that your body can do what it likes, since it's not "spiritual" and can't really hurt you. In fact, it's to be expected that your body do evil, since it is itself hopelessly evil in its mere existence.Why were we raised this way? A whole generation of Western children were raised to think that they must choose between body and soul. When the body proved strong, they chose it over soul. None of us were taught to unite the two. In fact, most of us would have taken this uniting to be evil, since the body is an evil prison for the soul; why join soul to material grossness? We should be working to seperate the two as much as possible.

We used to know that our souls control our bodies, and our bodies influence our souls. But we have come to believe that our physical brains control our bodies, and our souls just float around somewhere inside of us. Naturalism need not deny the existence of the soul, only deny its link to the body.


As a consequence, none of us learned to use spirit to subdue body, or body to inform spirit. We did not kneel in prayer because "physical position doesn't really matter," so we lost prayer as a discipline and became too proud to kneel. We gave up fasting because "works don't save us," and so became gluttons.


Sacrament unites soul and body. As we kneel at the altar, our souls learn humility. As we meditate on the mystery of Christ's sacrifice, our bodies receive nourishment of bread and wine. But we have decided to divide soul and body, and see our bodies only as a prison or cage of the soul. We think that death is the only purgation needed; as soon as our souls are free from this "crude matter," our souls will be completely pure. But if soul and body are united, then everything we do here in this life drives us towards or away from perfection. Even after death, there may be work to do (though I do believe that it is IMPOSSIBLE to work one's way into Heaven), we may still be learning long after we die. But this life prepares us for the life to come.


We were never meant to be disembodied spirits floating about Heaven. We are made for Earth, and it for us. We have both become disfigured, but not disintegrated. We believe in a new earth and a new Jerusalem, which will be our home. We believe in a bodily resurrection of the dead, and that our souls will be forever united with our bodies. And it is here and now, while our bodies and souls are joined, that we will learn how to live in eternity.


Lord, I am not worthy that Thou shouldst come under my roof; but speak the word only and my soul shall be healed

Yeah yeah yeah, I need to blog more often. Maybe after summer is over, when I'm no longer working 4 jobs and fighting off pneumonia.

"I believe in...the communion of saints"

This sentence in the Nicene Creed has always fascinated me. Who are the saints, and what communion is this? Much has been written about this subject that is infinitely better than any exegesis I could give, so I'll not bother pontificating about the main points of it. Go read a commentary about it, or something.

But it does fascinate me. Lately I have really enjoyed reading a book that my college library has, called Letters from Saints to Sinners. Not all the letters are from canonized saints, nor are the recipients necessarily sinners, but it is a collection of letters from great Christians of the past (mostly saints) to their friends and families. And somehow, reading the correspondence of the saints gives me a hope to carry on. They were human, like me. They had people to talk to and business to settle. But God so infused every part of their lives as to transform it. Most of them, in their letters, simply never stop talking about God. Every good thing is seen as a blessing direct from God, and every bad thing is seen as an opportunity to be faithful to God during trials.

And somehow, I am in community with these wonderful people. How? I'm not entirely sure. Through grace, I know, but how that works out exactly I can't imagine. But I know that I want very much to be like them.

Ok, first blog in awhile! Heh. Yeah. Gosh, it feels like so much has happened in the past few weeks...

Number one: I have gotten hooked on the writings of fantasy author Terry Brooks. My roommate Liz got me started. I read his Word and the Void trrilogy first, and it was phenomenal. You know how you can read a story, and know that your way of thinking will never be quite the same afterward? That's how it is with these. My favorite of his books, so far, has been the Elfstones of Shannara. I won't give away the ending, but it resonated so powerfully with circumstances in my life that I spent much of the evening crying over the book! A beautiful story....

Number two: I went to my former roommate's wedding! I was there when she met the guy who is now her husband, and most of my long-time college friends were there. I was having so much fun I actually got out on the dance floor!! Shocking, I know. But I was having too much fun to be my usual wallflower self.

One of my favorite songs by my favorite Christian musician, Rich Mullins.

I've gone so far from my home
I've seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
'Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding,
Bleeding and falling apart

And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young

I've seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I'll tell you, it ain't worth what it costs
And I remember my father's house
What I wouldn't give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much

And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms

And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now Lord
What it was that made me wait so long
And what kept You waiting for me all that time
Was Your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will You take me back now, take me back and let me be Your child

'Cause I've been broken now, I've been saved
I've learned to cry, and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning, I'm learning even I can be changed

And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young
Growing young

Francis Schaeffer and the Love of Culture

A year ago, I read several books by Francis Schaeffer, primarily his classic How Should We Then Live? Like many artistically minded readers before me, I found myself not only touched by his love of culture, but inspired to respond to culture.

Schaeffer provided hope for Christian artists when there was little hope to be found. What was a Christian artist to do in the 60's and 70's? Art was incomprehensible to anyone not trained in the current trends, and many Christians believed that visual art was past saving, at least in the professional realm. The same seemed to hold true for movies and music. If a young Christian was intent on being an artist (or author or musician) and retaining the goodwill of his fellow Christians, he had to make specifically religious art, usually of a rather predictable and cliched variety. An artist had to be either part of the mostly irrelevant church subculture or abandon the church tradition that he had been brought up in.

Schaeffer offered hope to these young artists (as well as successive generations of artists). He taught people how to analyze and understand culture, and how to love what was really good, without consuming what was harmful. He taught the artists to be discerning. He used art history to inspire artists to make art that was truly progressive, rather than merely innovative. Schaeffer called for good art that engaged culture, instead of ignoring it; he called for art that might be criticized, but could not be ignored.

He believed, and helped others to believe, that Christian art should be of the highest quality, and not merely well-intentioned.

Thank God for men with vision, like Francis Schaeffer. God grant us the grace to live up to his vision.

In the past few months, I have had to face some hard truths about my ways of relating to people, and the sort of people I have tended to relate to in past years. I recently finished the book Safe People, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book confirmed in me a series of thoughts I'd been recently having.

A few months ago, as many of you know, I decided to stop pursuing marriage(not that I won't get married, I'm just not actively looking anymore). It had been the goal of my life until that point. I was raised with the idea that marriage is the norm, and that it is a great good (I still believe this). I always heard advice about "when you get married...", never "if you get married." Also, I had had some issues in the past (this is not the place to go into detail with any of this), and my response to these things ended up making me, in this area, what Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend call an unsafe person. And, to make it worse, I did not know that I was unsafe.

So, to make an already long point a bit shorter, reading Safe People confirmed to me that my decision was, in fact, a good one, and gave me the words to explain this decision to others:

Because I know that I am unsafe in this area, it is wrong to expect anyone to enter into a relationship in order for me to be "fixed." I therefore, of my own free will, choose to abstain in this area in order to become "safe" for others to be around.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy of me, a sinner.
Speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.

Anybody know an iconographer who wants an Anglican apprentice?

On Meaning and Naive Art

Today I went to a critique in which the various heads of the art department critiqued my work of the past year and gave me ideas for directions in which I should go with my art. They were not too fond of the manuscripts I've been doing lately.

Let me first say: Much of their criticism was warranted, and I will take most of their advice. The pages are the wrong size, my compositions need work, and my plain craftsmanship needs to come up another hundred notches.

However.

One of the main critiques of the manuscripts was that it was "naive art," like that of Howard Finster. It was then stated that I couldn't get away with that, having had actual art training. Over the course of the interview, it began to seem as though "naive art" really meant "simple images that everyone understands." Well....What's wrong with that? I make art to communicate, and so use forms that communicate easily. Just as no speaker would stuff his mouth with lettuce while speaking, neither do I desire to conceal my meaning from anyone.

It was also said that it is not legitimate art to try to reproduce manuscripts when that age has passed. Why not? Maybe then I should just be a craftsman (craftswoman? craftess?) making beautiful things because they're beautiful and people like them. I see nothing wrong with it, and many things right with it. Why should art have to push the envelope ever farther?

So. What do I do? I refuse to make meaningless art. I do not think that anything meaningless can be art. I will work on my craftsmanship, I will try new materials, and I will try something new with the manuscripts. But I refuse to give up the symbols by which I speak. I will not be mute. The great artists have always used archetypes and ancient symbols to reach the depths of their audience. Tolkien, as well as Dante, used the image of the pure woman (Galadriel, Beatrice) as a bringer of grace. Eliot, as well as the medieval mystics, uses the image of roses and fire. I will not cut the symbols from their meanings and make my own. That which is truly new and unique is cut off from everything else and fades away. Lewis says it best in The Abolition of Man:

"A theorist about language may approach his native tongue, as it were from outside, regarding its genius as a thing that has no claim on him and advocating wholesale alterations of its idiom and spelling in the interests of commercial convenience or scientific accuracy. That is one thing. A great poet, who has 'loved, and been well nurtured in his mother tongue, may also make great alterations in it, but his changes of the language are made in the spirit of the language itself; he works from within. The language which suffers, has also inspired, the changes. That is a different thing - as different as the works of Shakespeare are from basic English. It is the difference between alteration from within and alteration from without: between the organic and the surgical[...]It is the difference between a man who says to us: 'You like your vegetables moderately fresh; why not grow your own and have them perfectly fresh?' and a man who says, 'Throw away that loaf and try eating bricks and centipedes instead.'

Those who understand the spirit of the Tao and who have been led by that spirit can modify it in directions which that spirit itself demands. Only they can know what those directions are. The outsider knows nothing about the matter. His attempts at alteration, as we have seen, contradict themselves. So far from being able to harmonize discrepancies in its letter by penetration to its spirit, he merely snatches at some one precept, on which the accidents of time and place happen to have riveted his attention, and then rides it to death - for no reason that he can give. From with the Tao itself comes the only authority to modify the Tao."

I cannot and will not wrench the symbols to do my bidding. I must be content to sit, study, learn, and meditate, and learn how to use symbols properly.

God grant that I be forgiven for badmouthing Thomas Kinkeade all these years: we both just want to make beautiful things that lots of people understand and like.

God have mercy on me. Speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.

I just want to have an impact on someone...Everyone's leaving me, and it seems like I've done so little for them...Like I've been helped so much more than I've helped...Sometimes I feel like a ghost just drifting through my landscape, not really interacting with anything there....I don't know.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
(Fallen, by Sarah McLachlan)

So, why this nagging feeling of fear and depression lately? Life is better than it's been in a long time, and I recognize that. I think it's fear of leaving what I love. Soon I'll have to go out and make my way in the world. That's not the part that scares me. What scares me is that I'll end up in a job I hate, with not enough motivation left to get through the week. I'm not afraid of long hours, or hard work, just...meaningless work. What do I want to do? I'm not sure: help kids who are like I was, confused artists who are misfits in the art world and in the intelligensia. Ideally I'd love to come back and teach in the program I'm in now, but I don't know if it's possible. But I'd do nearly anything to make it so.

I just don't want to get buried in paperpushing or retail or something. I'm fine with being a no-name; in fact, I prefer it. I want to die to "nourish the life of significant soil," to work behind the scenes helping others become great. That sounds wonderful to me...

I just don't want to be alone AND purposeless. I don't mind being alone if I have a purpose, and I wouldn't really mind not having a purpose if I wasn't alone...

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.

The Dark Wood of Pre-Adulthood

Ah, how I do I begin? First, I suppose, an explanation of the above title. The Dark Wood, of course, is Dante's image (which the mod of this blog has been thinking about lately, and so brought it to my attention again): it is a symbol of fear, the fear that paralyzes. By "pre-adulthood," I do not mean immaturity, or adolescence. I mean a certain relationship to a community. This will become clearer later.

I am about to graduate from the Torrey Honors Institute. This is a great honor, an astounding opportunity...And I don't want it. This is not to say that I don't like Torrey; I do, and that is the problem. I don't want to leave. Granted, I have one year of college left during which I can at least pretend to be Torrey and hang out with my younger Torrey friends. But after that? I do not want to leave.

It is only in the past year, and even the past few months of this year, that I have come to love this community. I always liked it, but always kept myself a bit separate, not wanting to be vulnerable. But this year the separateness was ended, and I found myself in love (in the truest sense) with this community. So how do I leave?

It would seem that I have three options: 1. To leave, 2. Not to leave, or 3. To move into a different relationship with the program.

The first option is out for me. I cannot just cut my ties and go. It nearly broke my heart to sit through my last examination.

The second option, on the surface, is more attractive. I'll be living in the same area anyway, why not just stay around the program? Because that would be childish. I want to move beyond my college years in my soul as I move beyond them in chronology. I do not want to remain "one of the kids" forever.

This is what I meant by "pre-adulthood." I am not yet in an adult relationship with this program, and won't be until I am set free from it at commencement next week. I dread this setting free, and in many ways do not want it to happen. This is why I feel myself to be in a Dark Wood right now. I do not want to move forward, cannot move back, and will wither away if I stand still. I do not know where or how to go.

I don't know what an adult relationship with this program will look like. I've never loved a community like this before (except for my current church, but the love for them happened simultaneously as the love for Torrey), and certainly have never had to leave a community that I loved. I don't know how to say goodbye, because I am so afraid that it will be forever.

God have mercy on me. Speak the word only, and my soul shall be healed.

My new goal: to someday blog something that makes someone post a comment. Yeah.

Fashion is useless

One of the more recent projects in my art class was to design "wearable art;" in other words, fashion design. This inspired me, and I have begun wearing my own fashions around campus. I have several friends who do the same (though they tend to dress in the medieval style.)

Why do we bow and scrape to fashion? Even the "non-conformists" have their own fashion--just try going against the accepted non-conformity of any given art department!

What were clothes made to do? Clothes serve three purposes, as far as I can tell. First and foremost, protection from the elements. Secondly, clothes cover our bodies for the sake of modesty. Thirdly, clothes are an expression of the person and, to a certain extent, the culture from which he comes.

It seems that it is impossible for clothing now to be an expression of a person's culture; instant communication and worldwide advertising have homogenized culture to a large extent. In addition, the clothes a Southern Californian wears were most likely not designed by a Southern Californian in Southern California. These clothes are simply being designed, not designed for(and let's not even talk about clothes that advertise: as if the human body were meant to be a walking billboard!).

So I say, down with fashion! It's useless and always changing. Why should I buy a new wardrobe every year, simply because my current colors and styles are no longer in fashion? Anything can be made into clothing. 3 of my favorite outfits are made of curtains, and they look lovely. Most importantly, they are unique. They protect, cover, and express. When I create my own fashion, I tend to not worry so much about how I look. I look different, and I know that, and know that there is then no need to compare my clothes to others' clothing.

Why people at my church rock:

Adam: "We should keep up this Wednesday night meeting."

Father David: 'Yeah, we could be the Inklings! And hey, you guys are off contract over the summer, right?'

Adam: "Yeah! Hey! We could be the Drinklings!"

Father David: "I can see it now. Priest lets Biola people have a drink. That'd raise an outcry!....Let's do it."

*sigh* Naturally, it really only works when you know Father David and know the funny look he gets when he says silly stuff like that. Oh well. Trust me, it was funny.

I have been having significant problems with my eyes this week: they are highly sensitive to light, and I am wearing dark glasses, even indoors. So, naturally, I've been thinking a lot about light lately, both what we know as physical light, and what you might call metaphysical light.

We are not well-suited to seeing light. The sun is 98 million miles away, and it still blinds us. One small eye infection renders us incapable of living in any kind of light. Dante had to go through both Hell and Purgatory before being able to properly see the light.

Why can't we see the light, even though it's all around us? We are obviously made to see it, but somehow we cannot; at least, not without much effort and training.

Artists study light for years before they can accurately represent objects illuminated by it. Philosophers work at their studies for long hours, trying to argue through to the light of truth. Students spend months searching for it in their texts, and occasionally finding the divine insight that they seek.

And, for some reason, this leads me to think of Moses, asking to see the glory of God. He wanted God, he earnestly desired to see the light. God passed in front of him, only allowing Moses to catch a glimpse of the back of His glory. Even that little glimpse so illuminated Moses that when he came down from the mountain, carrying the commandments, his face shone so that none could bear to look on him.

What did Moses see? What would the back of the glory of God look like?

I wonder if the light Moses saw was the Star, shining over a small stable, announcing that God walked among us.


comments: e-mail tinidril_of_perelandra@yahoo.com

Demons and Angels


I think that many of the people around me do not take the idea of angels and demons seriously. Oh, they believe they exist alright, but I don't think they attribute much to them. The purpose of demons is to fight angels, and the purpose of angels is to fight demons, and so forth.

But this view is a bit ridiculous. The spirit world affects us ALL THE TIME. Human beings are, in a sense, amphibious: we are indubitably physical, yet our souls instruct every move of our bodies. I think "I will raise my arm," and my arm raises(which raises the intriguing question of how my thoughts move from the realm of thought to the physical world). My spirit affects my body. So why can't another spirit affect it? Spirits are not coporeal, and more than one can occupy one physical space.

I have felt demons around me before, and have (more than I should) opened myself up to spirits.

It is a strange world: it is often too much for us humans, yet we live in it anyway. We walk every day in the spirit world, and we forget it at our peril. The two worlds are not even truly two worlds, but two parts of one world. Everything I do, every action I take, affects my spirit, and the spirit of those around me.

This is the true power of sin, and the true power of habituation and the spiritual disciplines. We often think that a spiritual sin (pride, judgement, etc) affects only our souls, and that a physical sin (premarital sex, murder, etc) affects only our body. But these two cannot, and must not, be seperated. This is why the spiritual discplines of fasting, silence, etc, are still important. These physical actions also act in the spirit. I must train not only my body to be in submission to my soul, but must also train my soul to be in tune with God, so that it may correctly guide my body. It is all one.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner in body and soul.
Speak the word only, and my soul shall be healed.

comments: e-mail tinidril_of_perelandra@yahoo.com

Thoughts about music:

I like music, a lot. I like listening to the radio, provided that it's song I know (though if lyrics or a really good guitar riff catch my ear, I might not switch the station instantly). But I've been thinking lately: should I stop listening to some music?

I was listening to the radio the other day, and "Toxic," by Brittney Spears, came on. I think some of the music in the song is pretty cool, though the words are deplorable. But here's the rub: the song is about seduction, and the music started to get me a bit heated up.

This is not good. Now, I'm not prone to listening to that particular song most of the time anyway. But it's not just the one song. Music affects me, affects me a great deal. And if music makes me act or think in ways I shouldn't...then I should stop listening to it.

Songs that are in doubt:

Toxic--see above

Bring Me To Life: I love Evanesence. I think they're a great new sound. But this song makes me angsty when I shouldn't be. I'm prone to my own angst, and don't need to be taking on more. Should I stop listening to this great song?

My Immortal: also by Evanesence. I don't think I should stop listening to this one, because it's a truly great song. But...I should start being careful with it. I tend to use it to mourn things that I have given up, things that I gave up for good reasons. As long as I'm careful, I think this one will be ok.

Are You Gonna Be My Girl?: Honestly, this song just makes me drive a bit wild. That stinkin' awesome guitar.....

This Love: I used to hate this song. Now I love it, I think it's highly original in sound. But some of the lyrics are pretty racy. But, they don't make me feel seductive or seduced....This one's a tough one.

Simple Plan: Their music in general. It's fun. It's junior high, but it's fun. But should I really be listening to whiny music? I dunno....Especially the songs about fighting with your parents and not being able to wait till you leave the house....I like my parents, and we get along really well. But these songs are so much fun....I don't want to engender those kinds of emotions.

All I Wanna Do: I like this song. I like "SoCal" type songs that mention places I know ("until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard"). But...I dunno, not a great message with this song. It's probably fine, but I'll have to be careful.

Big Yellow Taxi: I love this song. Absolutely, 100%, love this song. Great melody. Terribly dated lyrics in spots, but hey. The chorus makes up for all. People will probably always be singing that chorus. Problem: It's a bunch of BS. I simply don't agree with it, but it's fun to sing and *pretend* to agree with it. Verdict?

Ok, enough of those. Now for the really awesome songs on the radio right now(granted, I listen to an odd mix of radio stations. KRTH 101.1 tops the list though):

Can't Stop Loving You--Phill Collins. Great song. Really fun to sing.

Don't Know Why--Norah Jones. the woman has a gorgeous voice

Billy Joel: still the man

Simon and Garfunkel: enough said

Evanesence: My Immortal: yeah yeah, so this one made both lists. Get over it.

Come Clean: Hilary Duff another junior high style, but a good song

Michelle Branch: All You Wanted fun song

and, in my opinion, the best song on radio right now:

Sarah McLachlan: Fallen

The words to this are so good I have to post them here. Seriously, this song is amazing. Who talks about sin and repentance nowadays? This song dodges no responsibility for any wrongdoing, and admits that only heaven can "take my hand, there's nowhere left to turn."

Fallen, by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...




comments: e-mail tinidril_of_perelandra@yahoo.com

Thoughts on singleness:

At the moment, I am committed to being a single person. Maybe the right person will come along eventually; I won't deny that'd be nice. But I've wasted too much time rushing after every nice person to want to spend any more time on that. Enough is enough. Time to live.

So, some thoughts about this whole "single" thing:

1. Churches really need to rethink their adolescent "True Love Waits" thing. (Before I proceed with this, let me state: abstinence or monogamy are the only options. Any other way is trouble. ) Think about it: a large number of Christian kids, being instructed to wait for sex till marriage. Great! It's a great lesson. HOWEVER: think about the numbers. There are far more women in churches than men: Christians are expected to marry other Christians: where does that leave the girls who can't find Christian men? Today's Christian girls need to be told: Marriage is more than sex, and singleness is more than celibacy. Celibacy needs to be discussed as a valid lifestyle, not only for nuns or freaks. Lifelong singleness does not mean that a girl is not wanted or has never been loved, neither does it mean that she is afraid of love or sex. It just happens that way sometimes.

2. Singleness is not boring! Many in the conservative Evangelical church (my own background and heritage) would seem to think that marriage is the only way to be really happy; if someone is lonely or unhappy, they simply need to get married. The expectation is that everyone will marry. This is patently untrue. The divorce rate among this demographic group indicated that marriage does not solve all problems; many marriages end in divorce. The single does not have to worry about adapting his life to someone else's, nor about making the bed if she doesn't feel like it (I admit, I haven't made my bed in years; I still do not see the point of it if no-one else is going to see my bed!). The single is more free to travel, spend money, work longer hours, give time to volunteer work, etc. In fact, singleness can be a great opportunity to learn the old art of hospitality!

3. Singleness is not the golden road to happiness. Much of the surrounding culture is dedicated to telling people that singleness is the best lifestyle available. After all, you can live as you please, spend your money how you please, and you have no ties to anyone! The downside, of course, is that you have no-one to tell you what you may need to hear, no-one to help when finances get tough, and no ties to anyone. Singleness gets tough, especially on those long nights when all you want is someone to hold you and tell you that everything is alright. Singleness is not the path to happiness.

4. Reach out. Make friends, lots of them. Make friends, a small close circle that you can really count on. Make friends, at work, church, school, and in your neighborhood. Reach out.

5. Let others reach out to you. Many singles get so independant that they no longer know how to let others help them. Allow yourself to be helped; you like helping your friends: they probably enjoy helping you just as much.

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