Friday, August 24

Continuing with my random thoughts...

...this song has been running through my head a lot lately. I like the song a lot, but it took a while for me to like it at all. I'm no huge fan of Michael W. Smith, but I do think his music of late is a lot better than the songs that built his career (for instance, the song Friends Are Friends Forever should be taken out and shot. And burned.)
But this one...this one is good...My favorite sections are in bold.
"I have been unfaithful,
I have been unworthy;
I have been unrighteous,
and I have been unmerciful.

I have been unreachable,
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling,
and I have been undesirable.

And sometimes, I have been unwise,
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of -
But because of You
and all that you went through,
I know that I have never been unloved.

I have been unbroken,
I have been unmended;
I have been uneasy,
and I have been unapproachable.

I have been unemotional,
I have been unexceptional;
I have been undecided,
and I have been unqualified.

Unaware - I have been unfair,
I've been unfit for blessings from above.
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me, to show me 
that I have never been unloved.
It's because of you
and all that you went through,
I know that I have never been unloved."
It's hard to face up to shortcomings in your own life, and oddly difficult to face up to the things you had no control over (we human beings love our control). Can I control the fact that I am, at the end of the day, pretty mediocre? Not really. I try to make myself better, but I'll never be a great musician, a great artist, a great scholar, or a great writer. There's only so much you can do with what you've got. And that's ok.
It's hard to face up to the fact that I am a prickly person. I don't think I was prickly as a child, though I certainly was shy. I hate that I've made myself this way.
It's hard to realize that I am so often unreachable. I've always been stubborn, but I do remember a time when I was able to let people know what I was feeling and thinking without playing little mind games or withdrawing into myself.
It's hard to admit that I've been undesireable. I can't remember anyone ever telling me that I was beautiful. That I looked nice, yes. That I was interesting, yes. That I had a wacky sense of fashion, definately. But beautiful? Never. And what's hard to admit about that is, there's no reason anyone should have ever told me that. I'm not beautiful, and looking at pictures of myself, I'm fairly sure I never have been (except when I was 6 months old. I was adorable at 6 months!). It's hard to admit that.
In John, Christ says  "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."
Pray for me that I continue in Him, and learn to see myself as He sees me. The truth would destroy me apart from Him.

Thursday, August 23

If I ever had a daugher....

...I'd be sorely tempted to make her middle name Mevrian.
The lady Mevrian is one of the most noble women I have ever encountered in the lovely land of fiction.

Wednesday, August 22

Who'da thunk it?

About 2 years ago, I read a book that really impacted me: Wendy Shalit's controversial A Return to Modesty. Now, many people think that this book is why i started wearing long skirts and growing my hair out: Not true! I started growing my hair about 6 years ago, and started wearing my skirts a good 6 months before reading Shalit's book (which, incidentally, does not necessarily proscribe long skirts). But it did make clear to me why I'd made those choices.
What's odd is, I have never had much interest in the field of "Women's Studies." The topic bored me. However, after reading RTM and Shalit's new book, Girls Gone Mild, my interest in the subject is beginning to grow. It's an interesting subject, and very relevant. I just got a copy of Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinst Pigs; it's good reading, but I wonder if she goes far enough. Kudos to her, though, for coming out and talking about the prevalence of "raunch culture."
So....any book recommendations on this subject are welcome!

Tuesday, August 21

Faith like a child

Odd things have been happening with me lately. I've been more nervous, more unsure about my relationships with others, less sure about when my company was actually desired and when it was merely tolerated, etc.
This made no sense to me. I haven't been like this since I was about 11 or 12. I've got a job I generally love, I'm in a great house, with a lovely private room, and a church that I can't imagine being without. This should make me more secure than I've been before, but I'm not. It made no sense to me, until yesterday.
But now I think I know what's going on. Ever since I came out here (here meaning Biola, SoCal, and Blessed Sacrament), I've been somewhat at war with myself. During my teen years, I'd become angry, cynical, and very closed off to others. Thinking back to when I was a child, I don't think this is a normal state of affairs for me. I've always had a temper, but generally didn't spend a lot of time being angry. I was pretty sensitive, but not depressed. I don't think I was ever cynical as a child, I generally remember taking joy in very small things. I don't remember being closed off to others, though I've always been very shy.
What I think has happened is that the cynicism, anger, and isolation have finally fallen away. All the walls, the crud, the scales that I've built around myself since I was about 11 have fallen away. Which leaves me as confused, sensitive, and unsure as I was at that time, but maybe this time around, I can make better choices. Instead of becoming a cynic, I can choose to see goodness, truth, and beauty. Instead of becoming angry, I can let go. Instead of closing myself off, I can open myself to others, in all their strengths and weaknesses, and finally learn to love.
Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief. I am not worthy that Thou shouldst come under my roof, but speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.

You might be a geek...

If you think the Mythbusters team is cooler than any set of actors in might be a geek.
If you can watch ads for new shows on the Science channel and think "OOh, I need to watch that!" might be a geek.
If you get excited over might be a geek.
If you can have an entire conversation consisting of nothing but movie might be a geek.
If the TV show with your favorite romance story is Babylon might be a geek.
If you have ever been sad because you couldn't stay up till 4am to watch a particular episode of The Twilight might be a geek.
If you actually laugh at XKCD might be a geek
If you know who shot might be a geek.
If you get really ticked when people give the Special Edition answer to "Who shot first?" are DEFINATELY a geek.
If you have any idea what the last two questions are might be a geek.
If you ever wanted Bene Gesserit might be a geek.
If you ever wanted to meet a fictional might be a geek
If you understand the song " '39" by might be a geek.
If you have strong feelings about Library of Congress vs. Dewey might be a geek.
If you have strong feelings about Firefox vs. might be a geek.
If you have strong feelings about astronauts vs. might be a geek.

Monday, August 20


Alpine Vanilla non-fat frozen yogurt. It does a body good.

Published...and I didn't even know!

So as many of you know, Wendy Shalit, author of Return to Modesty, is one of my very favorite authors. I read her blog, and sometimes comment on it. I was FINALLY able to locate a copy of her latest book, Girls Gone Mild, and settled down to read it on Saturday. Lo and behold, when I reached chapter 5, and began reading the quote at the top of the page, I realized it was mine! That just made my entire day!
Wendy Shalit's blog: