Sunday, May 23

So, why this nagging feeling of fear and depression lately? Life is better than it's been in a long time, and I recognize that. I think it's fear of leaving what I love. Soon I'll have to go out and make my way in the world. That's not the part that scares me. What scares me is that I'll end up in a job I hate, with not enough motivation left to get through the week. I'm not afraid of long hours, or hard work, just...meaningless work. What do I want to do? I'm not sure: help kids who are like I was, confused artists who are misfits in the art world and in the intelligensia. Ideally I'd love to come back and teach in the program I'm in now, but I don't know if it's possible. But I'd do nearly anything to make it so.

I just don't want to get buried in paperpushing or retail or something. I'm fine with being a no-name; in fact, I prefer it. I want to die to "nourish the life of significant soil," to work behind the scenes helping others become great. That sounds wonderful to me...

I just don't want to be alone AND purposeless. I don't mind being alone if I have a purpose, and I wouldn't really mind not having a purpose if I wasn't alone...

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.

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