You know you hate your major when you wake up in a panic over a dream concerning your classes....and it's only the third week of school.

I don't want to do this "artsy" thing anymore. I'll never be a great (even even good!) artist, and I'm fine with that. I don't resent any of my colleagues' comments on my craftsmanship. But I do resent being expected to act, dress, and think like the rest of the art department.

NO, I don't want to join the feminists' club on campus, even though most if not all of the other art girls are there.

NO, I don't want to make fun of the war, the President, or the fact that the rest of the school is predominantly Republican.

NO, I don't want to make fun of Biola and claim that I'm only here because of the art department.

NO, I don't want to make artists who want to work with words as words change and work with words as mere visual things.

NO, I don't want to play the oppressed art major who can't put up the show I want because it might offend the backwards traditionalist Biola community. (Biola is actually pretty good about art; they just don't like to see stuff that mocks their beliefs or is offensive in vulgar or sexual ways)

NO, I don't want to make tongue-in-cheek traditional art. I want to make REAL traditional art.

NO, I don't want to shove Biola's face in something because it's "good for them," or they "need to learn from it." I want to help Biola see beauty and see God, through visual mediums. I want them to be visually literate, not rub their faces in stuff they find offensive.

NO, I don't want to mock homeschoolers as being "unsocialized" (I went to school to get an education not to be socialized) or traditional.

NO, I will not sell out my fundamentalist heritage because some fundamentalists do dumb things. I am proud of that heritage, and I want to reclaim it.

I don't know if I'm going to make it through one more year of the art department; it just about makes me sick to walk into my classes, they're so stressful. At the moment, I'm taking the "sitting down and shutting up" approach to classes.

Please pray for me: I'm still sick to a certain extent, extremely tired, and I DO NOT WANT TO DO MY ART CLASSES. Ever.

I think I'm going into another depressive cycle, and I don't know why. I had this all under control, and I don't know why I can't seem to get my feet under me this year. Please pray that I find solid footing.