Thinking about Beauty

I've been thinking about beauty a bit lately. For most of my life, I have been unable to really look at my reflection in a mirror. I mean, I could look enough to do the basic things like put on makeup, but I didn't like it, and couldn't meet and hold my own gaze. I really despised my own image. But...Now I can look at myself. And I'm beginning to see maybe the smallest hint of beauty there.

I hestiate even to say that much, and want to immediately unsay it; it still seems to me like horrible pride, and that it couldn't be true. But it is. And it's not just the physical aspect, though goodness knows that's changed enough in the past 5 years. I don't know whether I've changed that much in the past year or so, or if it's just my perceptions that have changed.

Is there the tiniest chance that I could end up being beautiful? I don't know. Part of me doesn't think so...but part...the part that wants to be a Saint...thinks it might just be possible.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I am not worthy that Thou shouldst come under my roof, but speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.

Ok...been a long time...some updates...

Now living in La Habra, HOORAY!!! I have an apartment! And it's PRETTY--no more student living, it's an adult apartment, with the sort of decorating I always wanted; dark rich colors, a big rug, lots and lots of candles, books...Ah yes.

I have a job! It's got to be one of the most random jobs ever, but I am now working for the Red Hat Society. See, I told you it was random. But I like it, a lot. I get to talk to nice people all day in a fairly laid-back office, and I get off at 5pm!

Church; I love my church, more now than ever (in fact, those things may be in my next post). I get to go on Sundays, Thursdays, and Saturdays; I miss going to all of the mid-week Masses, but such are the rigors of being an adult in the working world. Sigh.

Friends: Still havigng some difficulty in that department. I find it really difficult to let people know how much I love. Still too dang shy. Phooey. I am glad to be back in the same area as my friends, though!!

Sewing: still sewing with Mary Kate (Hi Kakie!) and loving it. Last night's emergency sewing session was a lot of fun. And I also made a new skirt last night; it's gray plaid, all textured and stretchy, and all for $1 a yard!

Reading: everything I can get my hands on that's written by Pope John Paul II. Currently working on a book of his quotes and the encyclical Evangelium Vitae (The Gospel of Life). Also about to start a few other encyclicals and a book of his poetry.

(now playing on Yahoo music: Rock Around the Clock. Another great one! And now Every Breath You Take by the Police. I like this one a lot, too. Hmm, I should get it to play Desert Rose by Sting next)

Three Dog Night. Joy to World. Oh yeah baby. I love this song. If I ever got married, I think I would have the chorus to be the recessional. Or at least one of the dances. Something.

Seriously; you can't NOT move to this song!

Hard thoughts:

1. On a recent wedding between two acquaintances: everyone is really happy about it, and I suppose I am too...But I'm also getting to know another person whom the wedding kinda concerns, and...I don't know. I don't know all the reasons for what happened and why, and I don't really want to know because it's none of my business. But...still. There's a bit of a shadow there. I wish the new couple all kinds of happiness, but I also see a lot of pain that's still floating around. May God do what is best.

2. I find myself being fairly irate about a friend of mine more than I should. I think it's because she is always so dratted CERTAIN about everything; about what's right and wrong, about what should be done, about what God is doing and saying...Not that there's anything wrong with that, but....it sometimes makes it very hard to dialogue, and for a fundamentally uncertain person like myself, it can be very very frustrating to see someone that certain all the time.

Also, there's a certain jealousy too. I wish I knew what God is doing in my life; I haven't a clue. That something is happening, I'm fairly sure of, but I almost never know what it is. I almost never know what God is "telling" me to do; if He is specifically telling me things, I'm not hearing it. Trying very hard, but not hearing anything other than my own internal dialogue. And I can't tell whether I'm more frustrated at her for being so certain all the time, or because she has a relationship with God of a type that I have never had, and do not seem structured to be able to have.

Yes, I do plan on posting again. But I'm in the midst of moving. It's going quite well, and the apartment is lovely. But not much time for other things. :) Soon.

My two favorite tv shows are Futurama and The Simpsons (yes, mom, I watch--and love--The Simpsons. Trust me, it's a funny funny show)

I think this is due to three things:

1. Great visual gags. Really really funny stuff. Like Homer traveling in the Suc-U-Bus line when he thinks Marge is cheating on him. Bender, in the throes of a religious conversion, sticking a bumper sticker on the ship that is simultaneously a fish symbol AND an I Robot joke.

2. Great animation (on Futurama, anyway. Simpons isn't great. Not bad, just not great.) Futurama is incredibly well-animated. Lots of cool 3-D stuff blended with 2-d animation, and really terriffic colors.

3. The best part: awesome voice actors. Seriously, Billy West and John DiMaggio are hysterical! Particularly Billy West. I mean, Zoidberg alone would just MAKE Futurama.

Now, after all this, do any of you care? Not a chance. But neither do I. I just love Futurama and the Simpsons.

Fry: My God, what if the secret ingredient is people?
Leela: No, there's already a soda like that - Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.

Al Gore: If we don't go back there and make that event happen, the entire universe will be destroyed... And as an environmentalist, I'm against that.

[in the library, absorbing all of Earth's knowledge] Chief Giant Brain: Pathetic human race. Arranging their knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands! Ha ha ha ha!

Idealism

I have been accused of being too idealistic. I know for a fact that I AM mostly idealistic; it's part of my basic temperament. I'm one of those people who would either be very idealistic or extremely cynical. I can, and do, flip between the two extremes, but mostly I'm just idealistic.

I have a reputation for being a bit of a dreamer, and hoping for things that won't happen, and vying for ideas that just don't work in the "real world."

But just because something doesn't seem to work is no reason not to stand for it.

No-one thought the Pope's "antiquated" stance on communism, materialism, and birth control would make any difference. They did; he changed the world, because he refused to give in to the "real world."

Now, I am not supporting illusion, nor a distancing from reality. But I think those who say that idealists don't know the real world have, in fact, lost touch with reality.

Reality: The good guys win. Read Revelation.

Reality: Every girl is a princess.

Reality: Love is more powerful than force.

Reality: The fairy tales were right. The story has a happy ending. The exiled King comes back for His bride, and takes her off to His kingdom for ever and ever.

Reality: the Church is One Holy and Apostolic Church, divided though we are outwardly right now. And we are still the Body of Christ, and we will all be united again one day. There is only one Bride. There is only one Body.

Reality: Those who would deny the realities set forth in the Creed and in traditional Christian doctrine can never win. They do not have children (not in big enough numbers), their views are so up to date that they are quickly dated, and in the end the modern doctrines ring shrill and hollow.

So am I idealistic to strive for traditional Christianity? To hope, pray, and work for a united Church? To try to show every girl that she is a princess? To believe in a happy ending? Or is this simply facing up to the Real World?

Many of these cynical views are ways of shutting oneself out from joy, happiness, and love. But Love will work His way in in the end. He cannot be shut out forever.

Vive the idealists!

http://www.sydney.catholic.org.au/events/silverjubilee/slideshow/images/koala-brisbane-nov86.jpg

Follow the link to see one of my all-time favorites pictures. It's just so darn CUTE!

Funny how life works, isn't it?

I am sitting here right now, pulling up the archives of my favorite blogs, from March and April 2005. Why? Because I've been reading a lot about Pope John Paul II (the Great) lately, and...well, I just wanted to re-read what was being said about him when he was dying, dying in front of the eyes of the whole world.

I am not Catholic, nor am I likely to become so (though not for the reasons you might think). He was not "my Pope" in that sense of the word.

But the graces of God are an objective, not subjective thing, and he was indeed Il Papa, the Father.

I miss him.

Ok, so this post is probably going to offend some people, and worry others, but so be it. This is my blog. If you want to write against my views, start your own blog. Then send me the address, 'cause I'll want to read it.

Lately I've been praying the rosary more often. I find it exetremely helpful, as have millions of Christians for millenia before me.

This morning I took a walk around the park, going through most of the rosary as I walked. It was foggy, and damp, and I could hear church bells through the mist. It was great.

Why do I pray the rosary? Several reasons:

1. As stated above, millions of Christians before me have prayed it, and found it "effective" (though I don't like that word). The tradition behind it is grand. Incidentally, it was not imposed by the Church, but a grassroots prayer that finally found acknowledgement at top levels. It's a prayer of the common people.

2. People I value very much personally recommend it, and have found it helpful. These include people at my church, favorite writers, and Pope John Paul II, who has been a hero of mine for many years.

3. I myself find it "effective." Now to explain what I mean by effective. While I do believe that prayer can and does change the world around us through God's grace and power, it also changes me. I shape my very soul through prayer. Some prayers work better than others in that regard. I have always been completely hopeless at spontaneous prayer. Some people are good at it, and it's helpful to them, and I say great. But when I make it a discipline to pray the rosary, I find myself freed immensely: I know what to say, I don't have to fumble for words, or worry about whether what I'm saying is accurate or correct (these are all fine things, but they get in the way of the action of prayer). I find myself free to mediate, letting my mouth ramble on with the familiar sentences. I also find myself changing. More on that below.

One of the common objections to the rosary is the attention that it focuses on Mary. What this does is allow one to identify with Mary and try to become more like her. This is the point of saying, over and over, "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you." This is the angel's greeting to Mary, and brings to mind her response: "Behold the Lord's handmaiden; be it unto me according to thy word." This is the most perfect response to God in human history (excluding Christ, naturally). This is what all creation should say to God. Looking at the events of Christ's life through the eyes of Mary allows the person praying to learn to respond to God in perfect faith as she did. When praying the rosary, I find myself becoming more open to God, more willing to do what He asks, and more able to find joy in whatever He sends.

So hopefully I didn't offend anyone with this post. Comments are welcome, as long as they are not virulent anti-Catholic or anti-liturgy posts.

yeah yeah, it's been awhile since I posted. But coming soon....

the return of the fashion blog!
A link to eBay to buy my stuff
Actual news about me

Last night I went to my church, and for the first time, prayed the Stations of the Cross. I'd been meaning to for years, but for most of those years, I didn't have independent transportation, and for the other years, simply forgot what day it was on.

But this last Sunday, it was announced from the pulpit, and the congregation urged to get more involved. So I made up my mind to go. (Now, those of you who know me, know that I get nervous when I go to most churches, and when I go to mine at an unusual time) I was kinda scared going in, especially when I saw that I was the only one there, apart from the guy who was leading the devotions.

But this is the thing about sacramental liturgies: when you're in the service, you can step into eternity. You often simply do not notice the passage of time. That's how it was for me.

I remember growing up, and watching everyone get ready for Easter, with only a passing reference to Good Friday (let me state here that this was the general culture: my family was generally more balanced, and taught about both Good Friday and Easter together). We shunned Catholic crucifixes because Jesus, in fact, had risen and should not be pictured as still hanging on the cross. How much worse, then, to turn every Friday into a small remembrance of that Friday? Many liturgical persons do not eat meat on Friday(except during Easter, when there are NO fasts of any kind), and do extra devotions on that day.

Yes, Christ rose, and is the glorious, reigning King. But He did die, in pain and blood and sweat and tears and dirt. This must not be forgotten. The price paid must be remembered, until we drink of Lethe and pass into eternity, where the only remembrance of the cost is that it showed the glory and grace of God.

Selah.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

So I've been watching Fruits Basket again....I love Fruits Basket. I'd love it even if I didn't like anime. It's so.....good. In a moral sense, even. It's just plain good, and shows the power of plain, simple, even simplistic goodness.

*sigh* I like Fruits Basket....

What in the world?

Why do I suddenly like (SOME) country music? I've never liked country music, unless you count John Denver which nobody does. So why do I like it now?

What's up with that?

Curretn favorites: Sold, by John Michael Montgomery; Good Ride Cowboy, by Garth Brooks; My Give a Damn's Busted by JoDee Messina (FUNNY song!), Big Blue Note by Toby Keith, and Nothin' to Lose by Josh Gracin.

ANNOUNCING:

The launch of Modestinique, a new line of modest clothing for the artistically minded woman.

Email any inquiries to modestinique@yahoo.com

Oh yeah baby.

NaNoWriMo


It's November 1st. I'm already 500 words over my minimum for the day. I'm only working part-time....


BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your a pie! Congratulations!


Are guys attracted to you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Best quiz result EVER! I actually feel a little bit better now! I am a pie! Ha! :)

You're perfect guy is an romantic guy who will kiss
you and hug you as much as he can ! ( me: ^-^)


Who's You're perfect guy? - girls only!- - With beautifull anime pics!-
brought to you by Quizilla


Uh.....Liz, Rachel, Andrea, Marcy....Should I be worried that the quiz thinks that Haru is my perfect guy?

Dang......This one has my current mood totally and completely NAILED.


Dominant Personality: Disappointment

Good Traits: You know what rejection feels
like, and are truthful with people.

Bad Traits: You're very pessimistic. It
seems like everything's gone wrong with your
life, so you've given up.

People see you as: Depressed, lonely, and
unenthusiastic. People walk right by you and
occassionally walk all over you. You let
yourself get pushed around and always blame
yourself.

You're Most Like: Regret. You think that
everything is going to turn out all wrong. You
have to take matters into your own hands.
Unlike regret, you don't constantly dwell on
the past, but dread the future.

You Need More: Calm. Don't associate with
promise-breakers, and a large group of people.
Seek out people who understand where you're
coming from.


What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by Quizilla

Ok, some of these pictures aren't showing up, but they are really gorgeous images. Go take the quizzes and see for yourself.

And yes, I am doing this because I'm very depressed and bored. Quizilla is good in times like that.

I do not know what you are... You are just a
shadow with beautiful emerald eyes when I look
at you. You're mysterious. You sort of hide
from others and don't trust so many people. You
immediately turn into a shadow when someone
turns around to see you. All they see is your
beautiful eyes in a sheet of black. People
don't know a lot about you at all! You are
quiet and your feelings are usually hard to
tell. You are very secretive, shy and aren't
around with too many creatures. There aren't a
lot of creatures like you in fact! No one has
seen you in your true form. People always guess
about who you are and no matter what they say,
you don't care... you just stand there...
unaffected by insults or even compliments by
other whispering people. You like yourself that
way... or do you?

You're so mysterious so you mysteriously get this
mysterious result and mysteriously rate 5 and
message mysteriously!


Deep inside you, there's a creature trying to get out... What is it??? (Beauitful anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your anime girl has purple hair and purple eyes.You
are mistreated because of your demon side.


What does your anime girl look like?(girls only)
brought to you by Quizilla

Surprisingly cool for such a short quiz...

MINSTREL

You are the Minstrel, the
artistic and introspective personalitys in
fantasy. Minstrels can range from court bards
to wandering performers willing to play their
instruments or sing in any inn they come upon
just to earn some money. Minstrels are very
creative and are naturally artistic. They are
often deep, quiet, and philosophical. Their
thoughts and ideas can be very profound.
Minstrels usually have a way with words or
music. These artists see the beauty around us
or delve within themselves and produce
something new that is truly
wonderful.

Color: Azure
Animal:
Horse
Gem: Sapphire
Symbol:
Harp

Image:
http://www.deviantart.com/view/7352128/


Who would you be if you were a character in an epic fantasy? (beautiful pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla



SAGE

You are the Sage, the mysterious
wise one or shaman. Sages dedicate their lives
to the pursuit of knowledge. They are very wise
and are good with philosophy and theology. They
make good teachers, counselors, and
advisors.

Color: Gold
Animal:
Raven
Gem: Topaz
Symbol:
Pen

Image:
http://www.deviantart.com/view/5258606/


Who would you be if you were a character in an epic fantasy? (beautiful pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/SU/SUG/sugarandspice69/1129756345_ebetterone.jpg"
border="0"
alt="HASH(0x859866c)">
You have a
beautiful personality but you can get taken for
granted. Do what you want to do instead of what
over people say! Your prpbabley someone who
likes light colours like baby blue, light pink
and you know what else


Is you personality beautiful?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a wierd personality. it is in no way ugly
but you need to help out more and be
kinder.Mind you people probabley love you for
who you are so i wouldnt change because some
stupid quiz told you to. you probabley like
dark mysterious colours like purple.


Is you personality beautiful?
brought to you by Quizilla

your Beauty is natural.you dont have to go out of
your way to make people like you, they just
do.your kind and caring and others love that
about you


what Beauty do you hold?(with anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Proverbs.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

your soul is lonely. you dont like spending time
with others but even though you wont admite it
you often do wont to be with the a group of
close friends but you just cant find the
courage to open up. maybe something bad
happened to you before and you still cant get
over it.


what soul do you have? ( Gorgeous anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Despite the Engrish of this quiz, it's actually pretty cool.

Andrea would be the adventurous soul: the picture even looks like her room!

Aeryn


What would your Celtic name be? (girls only)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are unique.Your dress stands out.Nobody has the
same dress as you.Not even close.


What Is Your Ideal Dress? (Pics And Lots Of Results)
brought to you by Quizilla


Be sure to look at all possible results on this. Particularly Liz, who will love it. :)

RAVEN EYES

You have Raven
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Intellectual,
Wise, Experienced, Honest,
Trustworthy
Negative Traits: Pompous,
Condescending, Withdrawn, Pessimistic,
Depressed

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by

Tuesday, October 25

Sometimes it just feels like life is Kobeyashi Maru.

It Begins


I bought a sewing machine today! It's a lovely little Singer, that doesn't do much beyond your basic stitches, but it looks nice. It will do buttonholes and a few docrative topstitches. It cost me about $100; I'm hoping it will be a good investment!

So....Yes, I am now making skirts, hats, and scarves to sell!! They are classy, modest, and artistic, and also completely unlike anything you usually get in a store! If anybody wants to order from me, let me know!

Long Time No See

Yeah yeah yeah, I know. But blogging is not fun from a public computer. Bleh.

Not much going on these days, just part time work and trying to start up a small business. And let me tell you, NOTHING makes you more against big government than trying to start a business!!!

But yeah, I'm going to start trying to sell the skirts I make through eBay. Hopefully there's a market for them. So if you know any Long Skirt Girls who don't want to wear the "little house on the prairie" style of skirt, please direct them to me, and I will sell them a very cool skirt.

New group blog!

www.churchbridge.blogspot.com

Preliminary thoughts on Serenity

1. It is rare for me to see a movie that disturbs me, makes me laugh, makes me cry, and makes me think, all at once.

2. It is even rarer for this sort of movie to be one based on a TV show.

3. Serenity may be the best movie to come out this year (until Narnia!), but there a lot of people who should not see it. It is rated PG-13 for a very good reason. There is a lot of violence, and some very disturbing images.

4. Serenity is really really really cool. And I'm glad that I went to see it with friends who were not ashamed to be see with me in my Serenity-style coat.

serenity1

serenity1
Originally uploaded by LostLuthien.

IT'S HERE

GREAT BOOK

Attention all ladies: There is a book you must read--it's A Return to Modesty, by Wendy Shalit. It should be available at most libraries.

Re-Reading Dante

I got inspired the other night at the church book discussion, and went out and started re-reading Dante.

I MISSED SO MUCH the first time through!!!

My margins are now almost filled with notes, and I was able to track some very interesting things: 1. motion, 2. the relationship between Dante and Virgil, and 3. the times when someone looks upwards. Very interesting things there! Next time I'm going to track: 1. when Dante steps out to speak to a soul, and why, and what Virgil's response is, and 2. when music is present.

So far I still like reading the Sayers translation, even though it can be awkward, because I know that she's sacrficing style and readability for philosophical accuracy. I read Inferno in the Pinsky translation, and liked it a lot; he mentioned in his notes that he was going more for the feel of Dante. So I'm trying to get the best of both worlds.

And now I cry anytime I hear Loreena McKennitt sing "Dante's Prayer"

hat

hat
Originally uploaded by LostLuthien.

I really like this one, too.

viewphoto

viewphoto
Originally uploaded by LostLuthien.

See, I'm not camera shy ALL the time...just any times when I don't have something to hide behind....

SO MUCH BETTER

Why?

Because I went to a book discussion group last night. It was a gathering of some of the coolest people from my church, and we all discussed the first 14 cantos of Dante's Inferno.

It felt SO GOOD to be discussing a hard book again! It wasn't particularly intense; sort of like yoga for the mind. Stretches you a bit, but there's no danger of overexerting yourself.

Plus, to be there with these wonderful people, being able to open up to one another, and talk in literary, historical, theological, and artistic terms...Ah! It was great!!

I love my church. Where else could I be accepted as an artist, challenged to be as orthodox as possible, and discuss Dante, all in one night?

You ever get so frustrated that you just want to spend about 15 minutes swearing loudly?

1. My temp agency is not open during any hours that I am off work to pick up my paycheck.

2. So they mailed it to me.

3. The mail gets to my house about 3pm on Saturdays.

4. My bank closes at 2pm

5. My bank is not open during any hours when I am off work.

6. I have checks, but no-one will take them because my driver's license is out of state.


Conclusion: I'm screwed, money-wise, for another week.

Coming soon:

Pictures!!

Yes, I actually allowed my friend Andrea to take pictures of me. I will be posting the good ones on here soon.

Please please please someone comment on my stories! I want to put them together into a book, and I need comments!

Ok, so I've decided to go ahead and post this one...Please give me your comments on it; so far, most of the people who've read it have cried, which is interesting. I'm less sure of myself on this one, but I think it's a better story than the first one. --Joi

Story II:

So many here now, so many children saved from darkness into light. I still wait for them at the gates: many think that a grand, white-bearded man guards the gates, but it is only my husband and myself. We wait for ourchildren to arrive, and now, instead of grieving for those who join us, we rejoice, and welcome them with tears of joy. But still...before, in the shadows, all of our children came, and if we grieved for their presence, at least we saw them. But now we see only some: we are told that the others fall into shadow still.

I do not weep for them: I understand that children must be free to choose. But oh, is there a mother whose heart is not pierced when her children choose their own destruction?

And one day--though all times are one--the last of my children came. I welcomed them with open arms and tears of joy--these I am free to weep over-- and my husband and I begged their pardon. All was joy and gladness, and yet...I still thought of the ones--my babies!--still in shadow.

Then I was called. "The Mother awaits you in the Garden," I was told. But how can this be, since I am The Mother, and the Garden was forever closed to me? But here, to be asked is to do, and so I came to the Garden Wall. He still stood there, sword aflame, but now the fire purified and gave life instead of taking it away.

I entered, still dripping flame perhaps, and sought her in the cool of the day. She stood there between the trees, and I came before my Queen, bowing. "My Lady, " I said. Her hand caressed my once-withered cheek, and drew my face up to meet hers. She kissed me on both cheeks, throwing her blue-robed arms around my neck. "Welcome, dearest Mother and Daughter! Enter into your happiness!"

I looked at her, knowing her to be one of my children--after all, they all are. But in her eyes, I saw the Son, and knew her to be my Mother, as well as Daughter. Laughter, the laughter that spills out from extravagant grace, welled up in me. "Blessed are we among women, for we are both Daughter and Mother!"We laughed together, the stars in her crown twinkling merrily. "And all generations shall call us blessed, dear one."

She pulled my head onto her shoulder, and placed an arm around me, much as I had done to comfort my sons when they were small. "I know you,Mother-Daughter," she said, "for we have much the same heart." She pulled back a fold of blue, revealing a heart pierced with seven wounds as red as rubies, and shining with the rays of the sun--no, brighter than the sun's rays. "Dearest Mother-Daughter, I too have had a child who willed Himself to destruction. He went like a lamb to the slaughter, setting His heart towards death."

A tear like a crystal ocean fell onto her robe, andanother splashed my own cheek, and I tasted its sweetness. "I held the body of my Son, his blood staining my clothes deepest red. And it is through that body and that blood that you and your children have been freed." I remembered the body and blood of my son, of all my sons, and wept tears to match hers. But here, any tear that can be wept is one born of grace and joy, and such were ours. "And another gracious mystery is here, dear one," she whispered in my ear."Through that body and that blood, you and I are not onlyMother-Daughter." I looked up and saw her eyes sparkling like stars. "My Son has brought all into His family, and we are all children of His Father." I saw, and we fell into each other's embrace, whispering: "Sister!"

Copyright 2005. Elizabeth J. Weaver

Ok, so I had an idea for a book, of sorts. Not a single storyline, but lots of storylines together. Anyone who knows my love of short stories will not be surprised by this. :)

Here's the first in the series. I have another one, but I'm waiting for some critiques on it before I post it anywhere public.

Eve: Story I

They say that there are some mothers who do not--even cannot-- love their children. Perhaps they are right, but I cannot fathom it. I am a mother, The Mother, and I love all my children. I watch them, every single one, as they enter here. Some see me, and wonder about the Grey One, who watches from the shadows, and wonder for whom she is searching, for whom she weeps.

But ah, I weep for all my sons, all my daughters. Not because I have lost them: oh no, if they had escaped me, I should be glad. But one by one, all join me here. And it is not grief enough that they join me in the shadows, but I must know that I brought them here. Brought them into life, and sealed their fate, to end here.

Oh, but I cannot help loving them, even the worst, the most rebellious. See that one? He killed his brother, then ran from home. This one was a prostitute, and brought her city to ruin. He, the lovely one over there, he did not love his own wife, slept with the wife of another man, then had that man killed. Yet, in spite of that, his heart was pure. My boy, my beautiful boy.

Yet, for all that I love them, all of them have broken my heart. I am sometimes amazed that it is still so prone to pain. After all, it must be in so many pieces by now that there is nothing left to break! But perhaps it is only justice: after all, it is I who broke their hearts, their souls, their bodies. Mea culpa, domine, mea culpa!

But one day--though all time is one here--there came one...my son, my beautiful son, though all my sons are beautiful to me. And though he was only one of many who noted my tears, he did not pass by in puzzlement, but stopped. He was shrouded, as they all are, in grey cloth and ashes. But as he neared, his eyes caught my own...I remember my first glimpse of the young sun, leaping up the sky for joy. My eyes were innocent then, and could behold his glory. but even the gold of the king of the heavens could not match the golden heat in the eyes of my son. I could not look away and could not but be consumed by his gaze.

I felt the rough cloth of his shroud wiping the constant tears from ym eyes, and a whisper: " Peace, Mother, I have come for you. Now is not my time, I must conquer first. Peace, Mother, and wait." I did not see him leave--my eyes were full of light and I saw nothing, not even shadows. So I waited.

Two days after--though all times are one--I heard a roar like none I had ever heard. One dead and clothed in the shroud of death had entered into the deepest shhadow, and there revealed himself to be a living man. Heavy with life, he was, and the light of him cast all else into shadow.

He split the depths, and came out a conqueror, his shroud turned into a banner of vistory. And he came, leading my husband by the hand, and our children--my babies!-- following behind. He saw me there, waiting for him, and smiled. "Woman," he said, "Now is my time. Come forth, for the Son calls you into the light."

I took the hand of my son, my beautiful boy who had escaped the Mother's curse, and stepped forth with him, blinking back tears at the light in my eyes.

Feeling better

Probably due to spending Sunday with 3 of my best friends. thanks guys!

DESOLATE

I finally came up with the perfect word to describe how I feel right now. "Depressed" is the wrong word: too emotional, and I'm emotionally drained. "Empty" is too simplistic. Desolate is just exactly right.

(BTW, to any family members reading this: NO, I don't want to talk about it.)

I was born a giving person. I always have been. But what do you do when what you have to give is not wanted, and every time you open your heart up, it gets thrown back in your face? If I don't give, I wither away, because it's part of who I am. But I'm tired of being hurt unproductively (I can take productive hurt all day long) every time I try.

This one is FRIGHTENINGLY ACCURATE:

Your Birthdate: July 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

A Live Coal in the Sea

I have been a fan of Madeleine L'Engle's since the moment I read the first sentence of Wrinkle in Time ("It was a dark and stormy night."), when I was about 10. I have read almost every book of hers I could get my hands on, and she has influenced my life and thought more than probably any other author.

So, when I was browsing in the library, and saw A Live Coal in the Sea, I decided to check it out. I was delighted to find, from reading the inner flap, that it concerned Camilla Dickinson, the heroine of an earlier L'engle book (Camilla: and be sure to read Camilla before Live Coal: otherwise the characters are a little harder to get used to. Camilla is a short, easy read). I began reading the book one night, thinking to start it and read until I got sleepy, then finish it in the morning.

I finished it, wiping away tears, at 2:30 am.

L'Engle is a powerful writer, but she is rarely in such amazing form. I don't think I have ever seen a clearer portrait of the grief that one person's selfishness and sin can cause to a family over several generations, nor a clearer picture of the grace and mercy of God in transforming such a situation.

The title comes from a quote from a source whose name I do not remember: “All the evil that man has ever conceived or done is no more to the mercy of God than a live coal to the sea.”

Selah.

UGH.

Out of job leads. Out of money. In debt up to my ears. Got phone bill to pay. Didn't get much back from safety deposit on old apartment. And grandma is expecting me to start school again and move out in the fall.

I hate this.

STING - Brand new day - Front

STING - Brand new day - Front
Originally uploaded by LostLuthien.

Watching Music Videos at Work


Hooray for little free music video sites that let me listen to musc at work!

However, I've discovered that for some videos, I just have to stop work and watch. 2 in particular:

1. enya's Carribbean Blue. Just a lovely video.

2. Sting's "Desert Rose" because Sting is really hot. And I don't normally say that. But he is. Check out the posted photo for proof of this fact.

Yep.


Just a random thought.

The Most Discouraging Thing in the World:

Going home after a day of staring at the computer screen in your temp job, realizing that your apartment has lost any sense of "home," eating week-old leftovers for dinner with only your former roommate's sleepy hamster for company. Then add packing up all your stuff even though you really have nowhere to go, and the radio starting to play U2's "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own."

Yeah. It's been a great day.

Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff You’re telling me and anyone You’re hard enough You don’t have to put up a fight You don’t have to always be right Let me take some of the punches For you tonight Listen to me now I need to let you know You don’t have to go it alone And it’s you when I look in the mirror And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone Sometimes you can’t make it on your own We fight all the time You and I… that’s alright We’re the same soul I don’t need… I don’t need to hear you say That if we weren’t so alike You’d like me a whole lot more Listen to me now I need to let you know You don’t have to go it alone And it’s you when I look in the mirror And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone Sometimes you can’t make it on your own I know that we don’t talk I’m sick of it all Can - you - hear - me – when – I - Sing, you’re the reason I sing You’re the reason why the opera is in me… Where are we now? I’ve got to let you know A house still doesn’t make a home Don’t leave me here alone... And it’s you when I look in the mirror And it’s you that makes it hard to let go Sometimes you can’t make it on your own Sometimes you can’t make it The best you can do is to fake it Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

Job interview tomorrow (Monday)!!!!!!!!!

Please pray that it goes well: I really really REALLY want this job!!!!

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 86% Neo orthodox 82% Roman Catholic 79% Fundamentalist 54% Emergent/Postmodern 46% Reformed Evangelical 36% Classical Liberal 29% Charismatic/Pentecostal 25% Modern Liberal 18% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com I find it funny that those three are my top scores....I mean, Wesleyan, Orthodox, and Catholic? That's funny.

Memorial Day

My Memorial Day was great. Very ordinary, but lots of fun. Got a call from a friend at 9am to join him at Denny's for coffee and ice cream, so I hopped in the car and got there around 10. We chatted for awhile, simply being silly, then headed back to his house and played with the cat for a few minutes and watered the yard before hanging out by the pool for several hours. Eventually we managed to pry ourselves away long enough to head to the grocery store where we bought a feast: hot dog buns, weiners, and chipotyle mustard. We went back to lounging around the pool for awhile longer, waiting for the grill to heat up, and ate lunch around 4. We finally went inside, because I got sunburned rather badly, and talked there for awhile. Went back outside to watch the sunset, played guitar, and talked. Watched the stars come out till about 10:30. Saw a shooting star, a satellite, and what might have been a military aircraft. Both got sleepy, so I went home around 10:45.

Very nice ordinary relaxing day. Thanks be to God for good friends!

Cool blog I've just started reading: www.fixed-intent.blogspot.com

Informationi

Joi Weaver is a restricted area. Authorised personel only

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Stolen from Liz's blog, who stole it from K. White, who stole it from.....You get the idea. I also stole some of the answers from Liz because they were good answers, and I'm just lazy like that.

100 questions

1. Full Name: If you don't know this, and you're reading my blog, I'm not telling you
2. Nick name: Joi, Joy-to-the-Weaver, Joyful, Hey You
4. Place of Birth: Fort Worth, Texas
5. Zodiac Sign: Cancer
6. Male or Female: guess
7. Grade: A
8. School: Biola
9. Occupation: cashier, research assistant, librarian
10. Location: Los Angeles, baby!
11. Screen Names: B8tsyJoi, tinidril_of_perelandra, Lone Jedi

__YOUR APPEARANCE___
12. Hair Color: um..hair-colored hair...Not sure what you'd call this.
13. Hair Length: almost to my waist. Woo! Just a few more feet to go!
14. Eye Color: Even my optometrist cannot answer this. Grayish-greenish-blue.
15. What eye color would you want: purple. But I'm kinda starting to really like the current color of my eyes.
16. Height: 5'6"?
17. What height would you rather be: I like my height, actually. I can reach most top shelves, but most guys are still taller than me. A happy medium.
18. Shoe Size: What are these "shoes" of which you speak?
19. Braces: nope
20. Glasses: When I'm not wearing my contacts
21. Piercings: ears
22. Tattoos: I have an allergy to metal, and possibly to ink as well. Not going to risk it. Besides, I'd get bored with an unchangeable design. It's all about the henna, baby.
23. Righty or Lefty: Mostly righty, but my left hand is pretty talented.

___YOUR FiRSTS___
24. What was the question? I don't know, but I'm sure the answer was 42!
((Where did question 25 go?))
26. First best friend: Probably the kid next door in Ft. Worth. I've forgotten his name...Shane, I think?
27. First Award: For best Bible memory, in VBS, when I was about 5. Wow. That was a while back.
28. First Sport You Joined: archery
29. First Pet: a very tolerant black and white cat
30. First Vacation: not a clue.
31. First Concert: Oh gosh, do I have to admit it? Carman. Yeah. Well, depends on what kind of concert you mean. Our town sponsored Community Concerts with unknown artists, and I went to lots of those as a kid.
32. First Love: see #26.

___ FAVORITES___
33. Movie: I can't pick just one!!! But if I had to....yeesh...Maybe Lord of the Rings? Maybe?
34. TV Show: Tough call between Firefly, Babylon 5, Futurama, the Simpsons, King of the Hill, Stargate, and Alias.
35. Color: the richest purple imaginable
36. Bands: Five Iron Frenzy, Leftover Salmon, Nickelback, Horustorus, getting to like Blind Guardian
37. Song: ?? Just one?? not a chance. (current favorite might be We Used to Be Friends, by the Dandy Warhols)
38. Food: dunno
39. Drink: dunno
40. Candy: yeesh, specializaton is for insects! Vive Variety!
41. Sport To Play: archery
42. Sport To Watch: baseball
43. Brand Of Clothing: Joi Weaver originals
44. Store: Art Supply Warehouse. Or Borders. Or Savers
45. School Subject: depends on the specific class and the teacher. Torrey in general, I guess...Classics.
46. Animal: Dragon and unicorn!
47. Book: Not a chance in hell of me picking just one. Not even within a genre. Not even a favorite genre!

___CURRENTLY___

49. Eating: Nothing. The librarians would shoot me.
50. Drinking: Nothing. See above.
51. Typing: umm........
53. Listening To: Joy to the World, by Three Dog Night ( *busts out singing* "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!")
54. Thinking About: Um...How many skips I have left on Launchcast radio at the moment....
55. Wanting To: SLEEP
56. Watching: my cursor move across the screen as I type this
57. Wearing: Don't you wish you knew! (Black tank top, black "goth sleeves", long green swishy skirt made from a tablecloth, black slip-on shoes, burgundy squashy hat)

___YOUR FUTURE___

58. Want Kids: maybe
59. Want to Get Married: I'm fine with either getting married or being single
60. Careers in Mind: research assistant


__WHiCH iS BETTER WiTH THE OPPOSiTE SEX___

67. Cute or Sexy: Cute.
68. Lips or Eyes: eyes
69. Hugs or Kisses: Again, what's with this having to choose??
70. Short or Tall: Tall. Short people have WAY too much energy
71. Easygoing or serious: both
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Yes
73. Fatty or Skinny: I don't much care, but I seem to fall for skinny geeks quite a bit.
74. Sensitive or Loud: Who says the two are mutually exclusive?
75. Hook-up or Relationship: relationship
76. Sweet or Caring: caring
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Both.


___HAVE YOU EVER___

78. Kissed a Stranger: no
79. Drank Alcohol: yes
80. Smoked: nope
81. Ran Away From Home: nope
82. Broken a Bone: no
83. Got an X-ray: several times, for my teeth
84. Broke Up With Someone: no
85. Broken Someone's Heart: not that I know of
86. Turned Someone Down: nope
87. Cried When Someone Died: I think so....
88. Cried At School: yes


___DO YOU BELIEVE IN___

89. God: yes
90. Miracles: yes
91. Love At First Sight: that's a little more complex...I think so...
92. Ghosts: Sort of
93. Aliens: Yes, actually.
94. Soul Mates: um...not sure...lots of little red Symposium flags go up when I hear the term....
95. Heaven: yes
96. Hell: yes
98. Kissing on The First Date: ???? How is this a thing to believe in????
99. Horoscopes: nope, but they're a hoot to read!

___ANSWER TRUTHFULLY___

100. Is There Someone You Want Right Now But Cant Have? Um...Don't know about "can't," per se.....

The Wolf Spirit You scored 730 Spirit!

You are a Wolf Spirit. You feel you are connected with the cosmos, and are fascinated by the moon. You are very agile. Wolf spirits have a lot of friends, and are very smart.

And here we go again...

Yeah, still dealing with my friends leaving. Some days I do ok with it, some days not so much so. But it was a good bit of comfort to discuss it with my spiritual director the other day. While talking with her, I finally grew convinced of something. Even now, it seems weird and prideful to say this, but I think it's true.

I used to think that I shouldn't have abandonment issues, since my parents never divorced and my mom stayed at home with myself and my sister. Usually it's kids whose parents have split up or worked constantly that have these issues, so I've always assumed I was just kidding myself. But maybe it's healthy to admit that I have these issues, rather than continually denying them, assuming that I shouldn't have them. If I have these issues, then they're there, regardless of how they got there.

I am so tired of friends leaving. They always leave. When I was little, all my friends moved away from Fort Worth; I was the last one to leave. We moved to Hereford, and went to First Baptist church there. I made friends and enjoyed it. Then we started going to another church, and I didn't see my friends after that. My best friend, the pastor's daughter, never spoke to me again. After a few years at the other church, we switched back, and I began to make friends again. The previous church had been terrible, and I was horribly lonely. The youth pastor and his wife at FBC were wonderful people, and did a lot to make me feel welcome. Then, just over a year after moving back to that church, we moved to Dumas, and I lost all my friends over again. I never made too many friends in Dumas, I was too odd, and wasn't particularly acceptable. Of the friends I did make, I rarely speak to any of them.

I came to college and made a new group of friends. Who, for some reason, decided to stop talking to me and including me about 2 years later. So I made another group of friends. Who stabbed me in the back, and decided that I wasn't worth talking to when I wasn't of any use. So I moved to another group of friends, who are all now leaving. They say they'll stay in contact, but I have my doubts. Actually, the doubts are all I have. I simply don't believe that it's true. I've seen what happens to college friendships when you no longer live close by: the other person becomes just a name on a mass-produced Christmas letter that you get in February. If they're an especially good friend, you might see a little hand-written note at the bottom of the mass-produced letter.

Bitter? Yeah, a little. I think what gets to me the most is this: In Torrey, one of the big focuses is community. So everybody learns the importance of community, and blathers about it nonstop, about how they're going to build community in the areas they move to...But no-one stays to preserve the community here. I'm not saying that everyone has to stay--that would be a bit counter-productive. But it seems like no-one stays. And I know that my priorities are different from other people's: the other day, one of my friends mentioned that there's nothing for her here anymore, except church and a few friends. Church and a few friends are my main reasons for staying here, so that reply caught me a little off-guard.

And this post is now far too long, so I'll stop here.

Wow, I'm...agitated today. Having trouble sitting still. Hmmm........

More reason for me to find a good job SOON


I have just been invited to spend a week in New York discussing a Plato dialogue with one of the world's most eminent Plato scholars...I REALLY wanna go! It would only cost $250 for airfare, plus a little bit of food. With a job, no problem. Without a job, not gonna happen.

PLEASE pray that my job situation gets settled soon!

Good news on the way?

Maybe....

Got a lead on a great job that's similar to what I do now, which would leave me with the flexible hours to attend mid-week Mass. Woo!

And another REALLY happy thing happened. But I'm not going to blog about that one....yet. Ha!

Current mood: tired
Current song to express mood:

I Don't Want to Be, by Gavin Degraw

"I don’t need to be anything other than a prison guard’s son
I don’t need to be anything other than a specialist’s son
I don’t have to be anyone other than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I’m going is knowing where I’m coming from

(Chorus)
I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me

I’m surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I’m surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I’m surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice?
I can’t be the only one who’s learned

(Chorus)
I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone’s attention please
If you're not like this and that
You’re gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain, the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay to stone
And now I’m telling everybody

(Chorus)
I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me
I don’t want to be
I don’t want to be
I don’t want to be
I don’t want to be"

Hehehehehe. This post on Sharon Ferguson's site made me really happy. Liz, you will get a kick out of this.

(this doesn't seem to have posted properly....let's try again....)

A thought:

Do we have "spiritual senses" that correspond to our physical senses? Or are our physical senses deeper than we ever realized? Or are they both one thing that's different from what we usually imagine?

For instance:

I have always envied the people I know who have long conversations with God. My conversations always seem to end up very one-sided, with me desperately trying to listen to God, and never being able to distinguish His voice from all the other floating around in my head.

But then, one day, when I was trying harder than usual to listen, and getting nowhere, I was hit with a very specific thought: I can't hear. I've never heard well. I have a very difficult time listening to classical music because I simply do not distinguish sounds well. It's not that my physical hearing is bad, it's just that my brain isn't wired to process sound very well. With practice, I can attend to music and sound a little better, but it's not natural for me.

But seeing is. I'm very visually acute; symbolic colors and images are very much a second language to me, and I speak it fluently. Almost all of my major communications from God have been in the form of image or story. I have "visual conversations," for lack of a better term, all the time. It's not that God hasn't been telling me things; He has. But He's been silent, because I do not hear well.

So again, do our physical senses correspond to spiritual senses(or metaphysical senses, if you like) ? Are they both part of one thing?

Why did we stop talking to people?

Most people in any given department store won't talk to, or even look at, the janitorial staff, or the stockroom staff.

At my former library job, I'm not sure how many of the student workers took the time to talk to Tony or Richard, the copier repair guys. Did they even know their names?

My roommate, who is in a Figurative Drawing class, tells me that the prof generally doesn't talk to the models and the students rarely hear their names.

In my drawing class, I was fortunate to have a professor who insisted on talking to the models, getting to know them, and encouraging the students to do the same. As a result, we all walked away with a fondness of the models, and a profound respect for them. The prospect of looking at them "objectively" bothers me. Can I actually draw Carlos without caring about his love of photography? Can I protray Erl without smiling at his quirky sense of humor? Can I sketch Donna without knowing her regality and nobility? I might draw the forms accurately, but they will have no soul.

All people carry the Image of God, the Imago Dei. If I refuse to talk to some people just because they have a "lower" job than myself, what bit of the Image am I missing? If I ignore Krissy, I miss a sweetness and openness. If I ignore richard, I miss a pride in work done well and an honesty that is cutting but without malice. If I ignore Christian, I miss a humility and strength. But, most importantly, I miss a person. And no soul is too small to overlook; except, perhaps, those who have withered their own souls in the name of "objectivity."

Hope for Terri Schiavo

I have been remiss in not blogging about this fight. There are several reasons for that, but I won't go into them now.

The important thing is that Terri has hope now. http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/03/20/schiavo/index.html

The government is finally fighting to protect one of its own innocent citizens. Mrs. Schiavo has done nothing wrong except getting married to a slimeball who is trying to murder her--despite the fact that her mother is willing and able to care for her--while living with his current girlfriend.

If the government wants to kill one of its citizens, then there's a prime target.

But now there's hope for Terri, and hope for anyone who doesn't want the government--or even their doctor!-- to decide whether they live or die. I hope that I never have to be given "heroic medical treament," and I hope that whoever was with me in that situation would know that I don't support it, and am willing for nature to take its course.

But food and water, even when given through a feeding tube, are not heroic treatment. Would Terri die without the feeding tube? Yes. But anyone would die without food!

I had an acquaintance in childhood who got VERY sick, and had to be on a feeding tube. Just because she couldn't feed herself, should we kill her?

Terri is responsive, and seems to be at least a little bit aware of what is happening to her. But even if she wasn't, who are we to decide that her life is not worth living? She's not in pain, and has people who love her. We can have no judgement about it.

And ultimately, even Terri herself has no right to decide to end her own life. Because the life is not her own, it is a gift. If she cannot give life to herself, then she has no right to throw it away.

But fortunately, it looks like her right to life will be protected. Thanks be to God, someone stepped in and did something.

Which poem are you? Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll Oh, you're silly! People probably think you're a bit kooky, but those nuts just don't realize that you've got a language all your own. But hey, you always bring a smile to people's faces.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

New Blog!!

www.visiblepersonality.blogspot.com

This is my new blog. It's for all you people out there who are tired of being forced into certain fashion paradigms, and have decided to break out and make your own style, and it's especially for those who LITERALLY make their own style: Yes, my friend, those of you who design and sew your own clothes.

So visit the blog! Let me know what you think!

Also, if someone can help me figure out how to post pictures on it, that'd be great. *sheepish grin* Yeah.

What Is This Thing of Eatable Goodness??

I.E., Joi had learned how to make homemade pasta, and in doing so has discovered that it's cheaper, tastes better, and is more filling than store-bought pasta. And it's fun to make.

So, if any Biola area people are reading this, and want pasta, just ask: I'll be happy to provide you with a bag of it. Hopefully I'll figure out how to make my own sauce, soon!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. That's what happens when you're working full-time!

Not much to say at the moment, at least, not stuff I want to go into on a public blog. Some confusing and frustrating stuff, some encouraging stuff...

Oh, and I get to be Clerk for the Vestry at church now. I have a box in the church office and everything!! Very scary, but should be fun. All three of the previous job holders recommended me for the job, so Father David offered it to me. Hard to fight that kind of recommendation! So yeah, I'm on the Vestry now. SCARY!!

There is no scent in the world that sparks as much anticipation and yearning as that of an approaching rainstorm.

About Long Hair


I love my hair. I actually do. I hated it for a long time...until I grew it out. I grew it out due to an abstract principle: "A woman's hair is her glory." I never believed that, until I hung out with a bunch of girls who had long hair. I discovered that no-one noticed your face or body very much when you have really long hair. And long hair really is a glory to a woman. So I grew it out. And I could not be happier.

I love that fact that I have to be careful how I sit so that I don't catch my hair on the back of a chair.

I love that my hair flows over the back of chairs.

I love that I can tuck a bit of my hair into the back of my jeans.

I love the way my hair flows over and around my face when I walk.

I love that people have started to make comments about how long my hair is getting.

I love that I have to learn new ways to treat my hair now that it's in the category of "longer than average" hair.

Now Reviewing...


The End is Here by Five Iron Frenzy.

A little bit of background. FIF is an immensely popular Christian ska band. They recently decided to call it quits, and went on one last tour. The album for the tour was called The End Is Near. It was later packaged with a recording of their last concert in their home town of Denver, and the whole thing is called The End Is Here.

To begin with: I will review all or most of the songs on the End Is Near album, and finish with a review of the End Is Here concert recording. But I'll not do it all at once because long blogposts are annoying.

So. The first song is:

1. Cannonball

Wind passes right through my skin as I fall down, this furious speed will only destroy me.
Crippling and devastating momentum, approaching maximum velocity.
And this is how it's going to be, the point of it all.
'Cause this is what was meant for me, recklessly I fall.

Hulking, smashing, I come crashing, nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.
That feeble coward that you knew, has undergone an overhaul.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.

Thirty-two feet per second I increase, as the exponents will multiply.
I'll never stop to look back behind me, cutting through the bright blue sky.
And this is how it's meant to be, untethered I will soar.
I'll barrel towards the earth below, it's what I was made for.

And everyone will say it's just an accident, like some mishap or a tragedy.
I think that failure has a purpose, and I don't believe it's chance if I fall.
And I know that if I ever do fall, He will catch me.
And if He ever lets me fall down, for the good of those who believe Him,
He will make me into a cannonball.

Unblemished, and faultless. A burning luminescence.
Unequaled precision, beyond your scope of vision.
Cannonball.

Music: Dennis, Leanor and Reese
Words: Reese

A good song musically, though not one of their all-time best. The song deals with the inevitability of failure, and the knowledge that God uses even our falls. It is an acceptance of this knowledge and a willingness to sacrifice self if something can be made of that sacrifice. It's a theme that runs through the whole album: a sadness of sorts at what could be perceived as failure, but the knowledge that this "failure" is really an act of God, working out His plan.

I'm not going to review song 2 on the album, "At Least I'm Not Like All Those Other Old Guys." It's a funny song, and entertaining, but there's not too much to say about it.

3. So Far, So Bad

We thought we'd write a song about all of the problems inherent in the industry,
it was going to be an exposé written in unblemished symmetry.
We were going to have our glorious exit, an admonition and an encore,
we were going to make a point to the whole world, but no one wants to hear it anymore.
Don't worry what this song would say, you'll never hear it anyway.

They won't play this song on the radio, so far, so bad, that's how it goes.
They'll pull our records from the shelves, so far, so bad, that's how it goes.

The rhyme scheme to this song was mostly flawless, it might have made good poetry.
It could have bridged the gap between the classes, and overthrown the bourgeoisie.
It made a couple points about the future, and how the past was kind of uncool,
and if you ever tried to play it backwards, it told the kids to stay in school.

I thought I'd write an epiphany, how something good is changing me, but I guess we dodged some passing fad, it looks like it's so far, so bad. This song is rad. You could ask your dad. He won't be mad. This song is stupid.

Music: Dennis and Reese Words: Reese

This is one of my favorite songs on the album. It's musically interesting, and defies any attempt to restrict it to a certain genre. It's also humorous, because FIF never gets played on Christian radio stations! I have yet to hear one of their songs play on any Christian station. I'm not sure why; maybe the market for ska isn't considered big enough. Who knows?

4. New Years Eve

It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises, I half pretend to keep this time, just like last year.
The band is loud and I'm wandering the shadows, wishing I was never here. I persevere.

A crowded room, these whitewashed tombs,
they raise their glasses high, they kiss the past goodbye.

This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow. My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe,
this New Years Eve, will turn out better than before,
I'm holding on, still holding out, until they close the door... on me.

It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities, are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration, a second passes by, yet nothing changes.

I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in. Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.
A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again,
and I dig deep this time, for something greater than I've ever been, life to ancient wineskins.
And I was blind but now I see.

This New Years Eve, something must change me inside,
I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe, in You.

Music: Dennis and Reese Words: Reese

I didn't like this song much the first time I heard it. I didn't dislike it, I just didn't care. But after listening to it several times, it's become a very meaningful song to me. Let me take a few lines, just to illustrate:

"It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises, I half pretend to keep this time, just like last year.

The band is loud and I'm wandering the shadows, wishing I was never here. I persevere.

A crowded room, these whitewashed tombs,

they raise their glasses high, they kiss the past goodbye. "

Naturally, it's better with the music. But even the lyrics alone are powerful. Who hasn't felt this way at some point, watching everyone pretending to start over, and knowing that we'll all still carry our baggage with us? Do we hang on to the past as a lesson, a treasure, or do we ditch it in hopes that we can become better? And is the choice up to us?

"It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities, are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration, a second passes by, yet nothing changes. "

There's always a bit of a letdown when the new year hits, and nothing feels any different (depending, of course, on how much champagne you've been drinking!). In a way, every second begins a new year, and in the same way, there really are no new years, only new moments that we can use to change in small ways, hoping to become better eventually.

" I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in. Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.
A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again,
and I dig deep this time, for something greater than I've ever been, life to ancient wineskins.
And I was blind but now I see. "

I love that line: "I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in." This flesh is corruptible, and it is a grave. That is not to say that it is evil, for it will be redeemed and resurrected, but right now it is very much like a grave.

It's hard to change. It's unpleasant, and difficult, and confusing. But without change, there is no life.

Yet Again...


...I shall be blogging about Five Iron Frenzy. Someday soon I'll post a review of the album The End is Here, but I don't have time today. Here is one thing, though.

Why is FIF so popular?

A lot of people wonder why this band was so popular. They didn't have great voices, per se, and it's ska, so it's not exactly the most musically sophisticated sound. They sung about their pants, and Combat Chuck, and blue combs; not the most intelligent of all lyrics.

So why are they so well loved?

Well, firstly, because they didn't try to be rock stars. They were normal people. I wrote to them one time, and got a letter back from a member of the band, giving me her e-mail address. We chatted back and forth a few times, and one time she even sent me a postcard. It had a picture of Spam on it: I loved it.

Secondly, they acknowledged brokeness and failure, but not in the way that most bands do. Most people swing between the extremes of "no negativity, ever," and "let's talk about all the dark things in life, all the time, and tack Jesus onto the end of it to make it Christian." FIF generally didn't fall into either error. They basically said, "Hey, it's life. There's good stuff, there's rotten stuff. The good stuff is a gift: appreciate it, experience it fully. The bad stuff stinks but can push you closer to Christ. Accept it, welcome it, experience it fully." For example, here's a quote from the song "Cannonball":

"Wind passes right through my skin as I fall down, this furious speed will only destroy me.
Crippling and devastating momentum, approaching maximum velocity.
And this is how it's going to be, the point of it all.
'Cause this is what was meant for me, recklessly I fall.

Hulking, smashing, I come crashing, nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.
That feeble coward that you knew, has undergone an overhaul.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.

And everyone will say it's just an accident, like some mishap or a tragedy.
I think that failure has a purpose, and I don't believe it's chance if I fall.
And I know that if I ever do fall, He will catch me.
And if He ever lets me fall down, for the good of those who believe Him,
He will make me into a cannonball.

Unblemished, and faultless. A burning luminescence.
Unequaled precision, beyond your scope of vision. Cannonball."

Thirdly, they were ok with criticizing the church when it did go wrong, but not blindly condemning it. Most Christian bands will either say nothing bad about anything Christian, or will blame all of Christian culture and the Church for everything that's wrong. FIF, though they sometimes might have gone a bit too far, never really ended up in either camp.

Fourthly: Their songs acknowledged human brokeness, sin, and coldheartedness without being depressing. Sin was never pointed out without a mention of the grace that heals.
My new favorite FIF song illustrates this:

"I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair, and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair.
I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find.
And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine.

If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor, Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.

I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost,
and I've been burned by this world's cold, like leaves beneath the frost.
On my knees I've crawled to You, bleeding myself dry. But the price of life is more, than I could ever buy.

If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor, Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.

And off of the blocks, I was headstrong and proud,
at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed.
With both eyes fastened tight, yet unscarred from the fight.
Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt.
It's funny how these things can slip away, our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye.
It's funny how the hope will bleed away, the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.
Night came and I broke my stride, I swallowed hard, but never cried.
When grace was easy to forget, I'd denounce the hypocrites,
casting first stones, killing my own.
You would unscale my blind eyes, and I stood battered, but more wise,
fighting to accelerate, shaking free from crippling weight.
With resilience unsurpassed, I clawed my way to You at last.
And on my knees, I wept at Your feet,
I finally believed, that You still loved me.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again. Jesus Christ, Light of the World, burning bright within our hearts forever. Freedom means love without condition, without beginning or an end. Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours, only You can make every new day seem so new."

Fifthly, they created a niche for some very odd people to exist in. Most of Christian culture has been very serious and solemn, and while that's good, there's often no place for people who are slightly random. So when FIF sang about how these were not their pants, and going out into the street and getting hit by cars, and the kingdom of the dinosaurs, we laughed and knew that there was a place for us.

Not sure if I've blogged about this song before, but here it is.

This is the theme song from the show Firefly, which sadly got cancelled before it's first season ended, due to producers at Fox deciding that reality shows deserved more airtime than creative sci-fi. Grrr!

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me...

I really connect to this song. Some of it is probably that I come from Texas, home of the wide open skies and fiercely independent people. This is largely my attitude towards people who try to control me (not instruct: control). You can take everything away, and I'll still be free.

Ok, this is stinkin' FUNNY.

http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/b/augustine.confessions.shtml