Sunday, March 12

Thinking about Beauty

I've been thinking about beauty a bit lately. For most of my life, I have been unable to really look at my reflection in a mirror. I mean, I could look enough to do the basic things like put on makeup, but I didn't like it, and couldn't meet and hold my own gaze. I really despised my own image. But...Now I can look at myself. And I'm beginning to see maybe the smallest hint of beauty there.

I hestiate even to say that much, and want to immediately unsay it; it still seems to me like horrible pride, and that it couldn't be true. But it is. And it's not just the physical aspect, though goodness knows that's changed enough in the past 5 years. I don't know whether I've changed that much in the past year or so, or if it's just my perceptions that have changed.

Is there the tiniest chance that I could end up being beautiful? I don't know. Part of me doesn't think so...but part...the part that wants to be a Saint...thinks it might just be possible.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I am not worthy that Thou shouldst come under my roof, but speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.


Naomi said...

Please forgive me for stating the cheesy/obvious, but they do say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and hence I happen to honestly think you're beautiful already. (Your smile especially -- and it made me very happy to see that smile at Blessed Sacrament about a month back.)

Glad to hear all's going well with the job and the new digs, and I'll definitely be in touch when I hit California again in six weeks or so... not that I'm counting.

~ Naomi :o)

aelthwyn said...

you are beautifull, I have thought so for a long time =) I am so glad you are seeing it.

some of my thoughts on beauty...
A big part of feeling beautifull I think comes from 'finding yourself' as they say. Just as any body can look awfull in the wrong style of clothes for their shape and coloring, and the nicest furniture can look garrish or blah in the wrong colors and setting each person's beauty can only shine when they are setting themselves in the right setting so to speak - when they are being true to themselves. The more you know and become comfortable with yourself the more your beauty (in appearance, manner, expression, and general aura) is able to blossom.

To see beauty, to be free to admire, you have to be focussed outward at the thing you are admiring, one cannot be focussed on self-conciousness - I think this goes even for seeing your immage in the mirror. You can enjoy looking at yourself without being vain - vanity comes when you are busy thinking that other people are not as beautifull as you and immagining that they are all bound to look up at you, not when you are admiring the fine shape of your nose or the way the light makes your hair shimmer - because then you are focused on shape and light. You may admire such things in yourself in the same way you admire them in other people, as though your reflection is just another person out there - (though of course admiring yourself does affect your outlook and confidence).