New Story(?)
I'm thinking of starting a new story. No worries, it won't be anywhere near as long as the last one! But it'd be a decent length. So please be patient if the next few posts are simply my rambling thoughts attempting to coalesce into something resembling a story.
_____________
I am unable to decide whether I've been blessed or cursed. The information could be interpreted both ways. I am from Appalachian folk on my father's side, and hardy Norwegian stock on my mother's side. Now, those of you who know only one culture or the other (or neither) may wonder why this could be taken as a curse. Well, the Appalachian side of me likes to take it easy, enjoy life as it goes by, and avoid hard work when convenient. The Norwegian blood, however, is a different story. You ever wonder what happened to the Vikings? I used to. The modern Norwegians are rather stolid and unemotional, especially when compared to their forebears. I finally got it figured out. When they stopped their rampaging, all that fire and anger got turned inwards. This festered for years and finally turned into the Scandinavian guilt that all of us Norskies are so familiar with today. So when the warm Southern blood in me gets sluggish and wants to take time to smell the roses, that cold Norwegian vein pumps in a good load of guilt, and I freeze, unsure of where to go and unable to enjoy the place I'm in.
But both bloodlines balance themselves out a little, and sometimes work together. I got a double dose of wanderlust from my Scotch-Irish Appalachian roots when they mixed with that Viking blood. I'm a decently hard worker, but I can never work a job for very long. Every so often, that road just looks so tempting, and even the inner guilt isn't enough to stop this Southern Viking from wandering down it, in search of something better, or worse, of just plain different.
I've done alright for myself. I work enough to keep soul and body together. I never was much good at anything in particular, but I was decent at lots of middling things. I work whatever temporary jobs I can find, and have done some strange things in my time. I guess it's a little bit of an exaggeration to say that I'm not good at anything. I am, in fact, excellent at wandering. I can sleep in any location, find food in the midst of a desert, and work any job that doesn't tie me down. I must have run away from home a hundred times when I was a kid. My mother was confused, since I tended to run away quite cheerfully, with no grudge against anyone. My dad never could quite see why I'd want to go to all that trouble. But I guess when it turned out that running was the only thing I was good at, I decided to make a lifestyle of it. After all, there aren't too many people who seen all the things I've seen. And who knows, maybe those things needed someone like me to come along, someone who would see and appreciate them.
-------------------------
Ok, so not the most interesting beginning, I grant you. But some of the things that come along are interesting...
Friday, January 21
Tuesday, January 18
Hats are wonderful. My philosophy on hats: if you look good in hats, and you have a really cool hat, wear it. Forget about what's in style, just wear the darned hat.
(Translation: Joi, who looks good in hats, has just been given two vintage hats, complete with hat pins. Joi is very happy with the hats, and wears them a lot, even though it looks like she just stepped out of the 1950's. Joi doesn't care, and wears the hats anyway.)
(Translation: Joi, who looks good in hats, has just been given two vintage hats, complete with hat pins. Joi is very happy with the hats, and wears them a lot, even though it looks like she just stepped out of the 1950's. Joi doesn't care, and wears the hats anyway.)
Friday, January 14
Why So Lonely?
Why am I so lonely these past few days? Some of it is probably just the normal upset of having been away too long, and coming back. But still...2 of my roommates are getting married this summer, and so will be moving out, and the other two want different housing (well, one's undecided, but that's kind of how it looks right now).
I don't want to do this again. Every few years, all my friends move away at once, and I have to start all over again. I'm all for reaching out and making new friends, but I don't want this drastic turnover of community anymore. I want friends that will stick around, or at the very least, try to maintain the friendship. I understand that friendships change; but I've never had a steady friend for more than a few years, and I want that to change.
I envy people who have friends they've known since childhood. I have one or two friends from high school that I talk to once a year or so. That's it. And my college friendships are turning out that way, too, and I don't know why. It's never anything drastic, just a slow drifting towards other friends and interests.
I'm just tired of making friends in order to go through the pain of losing them. I don't want to do that anymore.
Why am I so lonely these past few days? Some of it is probably just the normal upset of having been away too long, and coming back. But still...2 of my roommates are getting married this summer, and so will be moving out, and the other two want different housing (well, one's undecided, but that's kind of how it looks right now).
I don't want to do this again. Every few years, all my friends move away at once, and I have to start all over again. I'm all for reaching out and making new friends, but I don't want this drastic turnover of community anymore. I want friends that will stick around, or at the very least, try to maintain the friendship. I understand that friendships change; but I've never had a steady friend for more than a few years, and I want that to change.
I envy people who have friends they've known since childhood. I have one or two friends from high school that I talk to once a year or so. That's it. And my college friendships are turning out that way, too, and I don't know why. It's never anything drastic, just a slow drifting towards other friends and interests.
I'm just tired of making friends in order to go through the pain of losing them. I don't want to do that anymore.
Monday, January 3
I have always wondered why people of little or no faith seem to turn to God or spirituality in times of distress. The dismissal of this phenomenon by skeptics—as merely an irrational act of desperation—has always disturbed me, because I have always assumed that to be a good explanation. But I ran across a paragraph in one of my favorite books that made me stop and think.
The book is Many Waters, by Madeleine L’Engle. Twins, named Sandy and Dennys, have landed themselves on the pre-flood Earth, a world where unicorns (like quanta) have a tendency towards life, but have to be believed in to be. Here’s the quote:
“Dennys, he remembered, had summoned a unicorn after Tiglah’s father and brother had nearly killed him, dumping him into the garbage pit. It wasn’t easy for Dennys to believe in unicorns either, but when he had to, he did.”
Allow me to switch topics for a moment: I promise to come back to this idea, and I promise that my tangent is relevant.
I grew up reading Reader’s Digest. My favorite thing to read, as a kid, were the Drama in Real Life stories. Many of them, if not most, contained stories of people doing extraordinary things in times of desperation. Some of them were feats of strength—lifting cars off of babies and the like—of which they would not have been capable under normal conditions. The others were actions that seemed irrational, but later proved to have been the only thing that could have saved the day. The only reason it had seemed irrational was that not all the information was available to the person at the time of the distress. In fact, the idea of lifting a car off one’s child also seems irrational, in that most people are not capable of such feats of strength in day-to-day life. However, the irrational urge to lift the car is known to be the only way to save the child, and so it is accomplished.
Now, imagine that faith in God or the supernatural is not, in fact, subjective or irrational. Perhaps some people—many people, even—are not normally capable of these moments of faith. However, in times of distress, they are able to achieve faith when it might seem irrational or impossible.
Faith, then, is an act, an objective thing that takes strength to accomplish. And sometimes, when we are at the end of ourselves, we are granted the ability to have faith.
The book is Many Waters, by Madeleine L’Engle. Twins, named Sandy and Dennys, have landed themselves on the pre-flood Earth, a world where unicorns (like quanta) have a tendency towards life, but have to be believed in to be. Here’s the quote:
“Dennys, he remembered, had summoned a unicorn after Tiglah’s father and brother had nearly killed him, dumping him into the garbage pit. It wasn’t easy for Dennys to believe in unicorns either, but when he had to, he did.”
Allow me to switch topics for a moment: I promise to come back to this idea, and I promise that my tangent is relevant.
I grew up reading Reader’s Digest. My favorite thing to read, as a kid, were the Drama in Real Life stories. Many of them, if not most, contained stories of people doing extraordinary things in times of desperation. Some of them were feats of strength—lifting cars off of babies and the like—of which they would not have been capable under normal conditions. The others were actions that seemed irrational, but later proved to have been the only thing that could have saved the day. The only reason it had seemed irrational was that not all the information was available to the person at the time of the distress. In fact, the idea of lifting a car off one’s child also seems irrational, in that most people are not capable of such feats of strength in day-to-day life. However, the irrational urge to lift the car is known to be the only way to save the child, and so it is accomplished.
Now, imagine that faith in God or the supernatural is not, in fact, subjective or irrational. Perhaps some people—many people, even—are not normally capable of these moments of faith. However, in times of distress, they are able to achieve faith when it might seem irrational or impossible.
Faith, then, is an act, an objective thing that takes strength to accomplish. And sometimes, when we are at the end of ourselves, we are granted the ability to have faith.
Saturday, January 1
I heard this sung around New Year's many years ago. It's a simple poem, sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne.
I'm thinking about it now, because a guy I knew in grade school recently committed suicide. He was handsome, popular, recently married, and highly intelligent. No-one knows why he did it. I saw his picture in an old yearbook the other day, still smiling and happy.
Here's the song.
"It singeth low in every heart,
We hear it each and all,
A song of those who answer not
However we may call.
They throng the silence of the breast,
We see them as of yore,
The kind, the brave, the true, the sweet,
Who walk with us no more.
'Tis hard to take the burden up
When these have laid it down.
They brightened every joy of life,
They softened every frown.
But oh, 'tis good to think of them
When we are troubled sore;
Thanks be to God that such have been,
Though they are here no more.
More homelike seems the vast unknown
Since they have entered there;
'Tis not so hard to follow them,
However they may fare.
They cannot be where God is not,
On any sea or shore;
Whate'er betides,Thy love abides,
Our God, forevermore."
Happy New Year, and may the lessons of the old year never leave us.
I'm thinking about it now, because a guy I knew in grade school recently committed suicide. He was handsome, popular, recently married, and highly intelligent. No-one knows why he did it. I saw his picture in an old yearbook the other day, still smiling and happy.
Here's the song.
"It singeth low in every heart,
We hear it each and all,
A song of those who answer not
However we may call.
They throng the silence of the breast,
We see them as of yore,
The kind, the brave, the true, the sweet,
Who walk with us no more.
'Tis hard to take the burden up
When these have laid it down.
They brightened every joy of life,
They softened every frown.
But oh, 'tis good to think of them
When we are troubled sore;
Thanks be to God that such have been,
Though they are here no more.
More homelike seems the vast unknown
Since they have entered there;
'Tis not so hard to follow them,
However they may fare.
They cannot be where God is not,
On any sea or shore;
Whate'er betides,Thy love abides,
Our God, forevermore."
Happy New Year, and may the lessons of the old year never leave us.
Friday, December 31
Survey courtesy of Liz's resume: luminarumbra.blogspot.com
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. Joi
02. Joi-to-the-Weaver
03. Betsy (only to family)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01. Angeltread
02. B8tsyJoi
03. LoneJedi
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. The fact that no-one can figure out what color to call my hair and eyes
02. my refusal to settle for cookie-cutter fashion
03. my reading speed
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. The fact that no-one can figure out what color to call my hair and eyes
02. my impatience
03. my lack of interpersonal communication skills
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
01. Norwegian
02. Norwegian
03. Texan
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01. chemistry
02. why smart guys go for astounding stupid girls(and vice versa)
03. people who assume that they are absolutely right and everyone needs to become JUST LIKE THEM!
THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
01. people who assume that they are absolutely right and everyone needs to become JUST LIKE THEM!
02. People who use the same slang expression OVER AND OVER
03. People who cannot take their headphones off for one minute to have a normal interaction with another person. (same goes for cell phones)
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01. vulnerability
02. tornadoes
03. talking to condescending people
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. Reading
02. E-mail
03. insanity
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
01. Favorite purple slouchy sweater
02. black pants
03. Torrey ring
THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
01. Bills
02. cards
03. ink set
THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
01."Drat!"
02. "Stupid art department!"
03. "I need a cat."
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:(in no particular order)
01. Jason Mraz
02. Billy Joel
03. The Beach Boys
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:(again, in no particular order)
01. Semi-Chamed Life
02. 1985
03. Curbside Prophet
THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
01. Roommate Rachel
02. Roommate Liz
03. Roommate Marcy
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:
01. Um...insanity. I have insane friends.
02.The ability to thouroughly enjoy brainless TV shows (Alias, Babylon 5, Stargate...)
03. They like fantasy/sci-fi and agree that it's a god genre
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE LIQUIDS:
01. Mercury (it just looks cool, all silvery and stuff)
02. Trader Joe's hot chocolate/mocha stuff. Yum!
03. Water: it's so versatile!
THREE FAVORITE CHARACTERS OF LITERATURE:
01. Amberle (Elfstones of Shannara)
02. Aragorn
03. Alyosha Karamazov
THREE FAVORITE FOODS:
01. chocolate
02. muenster cheese
03. bread
THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
01. humor
02. acceptance
03. chivalry
THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. When they try to be chivalrous. it's cute
02. when they stand up for something
03. when they protect someone else
THREE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOUR GENRE:
01. Bohemian
02. unique
03. artsy
THREE THINGS THAT STAND OUT IN YOUR SPACE:
01. My stuffed cat Fred
02. the incredible mess
03. My handmade clothes
THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
01. lick my elbow
02. whistle
03. watch the scene in Hary Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Ron is puking up slugs.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
01. making clothes
02.making things
03. learning about Anglicanism
THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
01. a degree
02. a job
03. a cat
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
01. writer (fiction and non-)
02. bookseller
03. fashion design
THREE WORDS THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. dreamscape
02. rutabaga
03. coalesce
THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
01. Scotland
02. Norway
03. Hawaii
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01. Go overseas
02. get a book published
03. meet a favorite author
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. Joi
02. Joi-to-the-Weaver
03. Betsy (only to family)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01. Angeltread
02. B8tsyJoi
03. LoneJedi
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. The fact that no-one can figure out what color to call my hair and eyes
02. my refusal to settle for cookie-cutter fashion
03. my reading speed
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. The fact that no-one can figure out what color to call my hair and eyes
02. my impatience
03. my lack of interpersonal communication skills
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
01. Norwegian
02. Norwegian
03. Texan
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01. chemistry
02. why smart guys go for astounding stupid girls(and vice versa)
03. people who assume that they are absolutely right and everyone needs to become JUST LIKE THEM!
THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
01. people who assume that they are absolutely right and everyone needs to become JUST LIKE THEM!
02. People who use the same slang expression OVER AND OVER
03. People who cannot take their headphones off for one minute to have a normal interaction with another person. (same goes for cell phones)
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01. vulnerability
02. tornadoes
03. talking to condescending people
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. Reading
02. E-mail
03. insanity
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
01. Favorite purple slouchy sweater
02. black pants
03. Torrey ring
THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
01. Bills
02. cards
03. ink set
THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
01."Drat!"
02. "Stupid art department!"
03. "I need a cat."
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:(in no particular order)
01. Jason Mraz
02. Billy Joel
03. The Beach Boys
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:(again, in no particular order)
01. Semi-Chamed Life
02. 1985
03. Curbside Prophet
THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
01. Roommate Rachel
02. Roommate Liz
03. Roommate Marcy
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:
01. Um...insanity. I have insane friends.
02.The ability to thouroughly enjoy brainless TV shows (Alias, Babylon 5, Stargate...)
03. They like fantasy/sci-fi and agree that it's a god genre
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE LIQUIDS:
01. Mercury (it just looks cool, all silvery and stuff)
02. Trader Joe's hot chocolate/mocha stuff. Yum!
03. Water: it's so versatile!
THREE FAVORITE CHARACTERS OF LITERATURE:
01. Amberle (Elfstones of Shannara)
02. Aragorn
03. Alyosha Karamazov
THREE FAVORITE FOODS:
01. chocolate
02. muenster cheese
03. bread
THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
01. humor
02. acceptance
03. chivalry
THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. When they try to be chivalrous. it's cute
02. when they stand up for something
03. when they protect someone else
THREE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOUR GENRE:
01. Bohemian
02. unique
03. artsy
THREE THINGS THAT STAND OUT IN YOUR SPACE:
01. My stuffed cat Fred
02. the incredible mess
03. My handmade clothes
THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
01. lick my elbow
02. whistle
03. watch the scene in Hary Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Ron is puking up slugs.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
01. making clothes
02.making things
03. learning about Anglicanism
THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
01. a degree
02. a job
03. a cat
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
01. writer (fiction and non-)
02. bookseller
03. fashion design
THREE WORDS THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. dreamscape
02. rutabaga
03. coalesce
THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
01. Scotland
02. Norway
03. Hawaii
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01. Go overseas
02. get a book published
03. meet a favorite author
Saturday, December 25
A Series of Unfortunate Events
A disclaimer: I have not read these books, and so cannot comment on them. My comments are restricted to the film.
My family went to see A Series of Unfortunate Events tonight(hereafter called ASUE). I must confess I was extremely bored by the film. It was visually fascinating, but managed to remain mind-numbing. Why?
Evil triumphing over good isnot so much sad as it is boring. The story seems to show that hard work, ingenuity, and goodness don't really serve any purpose, and can be trumped by evil or sheer randomness. A little of that in a story is good, reflects some parts of reality, and imparts pathos. But a storyline consisting of nothing else is a tremendously dull story.
One of the most notable things I felt during ASUE was a feeling of profound apathy during the more "heroic" parts: you knew that it was all going to turn out badly, and so you no longer cared how brave or creative the Baudlaire orphans were. Even at the end of the movie, when the viewer is somewhat assured of a happy ending, the viewer no longer believes it, or even cares.
A story that inspires only apathy towards heroism, nobility, and courage is a bad story, and the better is is in technique--ASUE is visually delightful--the worse it is.
ASUE is supposed to be funny, and sometimes it is, but the humor seems to me to be misdirected. Again, we are already trained to laugh at most virtues; do we really need more encouragement to do so?
Do we now prefer unhappiness to happiness? Do we find joy too difficult to believe? Do we really think the universe to be so meaningless?
We should ask ourselves the same question Christ asked the crippled man: "Do you want to be healed?" Do we? Do we want joy, courage, ingenuity, nobleness, and heroism? Or do we prefer angst, cowardice, lack of creativity, meanness, and cynicism?
Do we want to be happy?
These were my thoughts about the film. I do not know if they are correct, or if I am misinterpreting the movie. But I do know this: I would rather watch good triumph over evil in a "simplistic" story, than see random chance and evil prevail, even if it makes me laugh.
"Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things - trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up thing seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."
----Puddleglum, to the Green Lady. The Silver Chair
I'm going to go watch Return of the King.
A disclaimer: I have not read these books, and so cannot comment on them. My comments are restricted to the film.
My family went to see A Series of Unfortunate Events tonight(hereafter called ASUE). I must confess I was extremely bored by the film. It was visually fascinating, but managed to remain mind-numbing. Why?
Evil triumphing over good isnot so much sad as it is boring. The story seems to show that hard work, ingenuity, and goodness don't really serve any purpose, and can be trumped by evil or sheer randomness. A little of that in a story is good, reflects some parts of reality, and imparts pathos. But a storyline consisting of nothing else is a tremendously dull story.
One of the most notable things I felt during ASUE was a feeling of profound apathy during the more "heroic" parts: you knew that it was all going to turn out badly, and so you no longer cared how brave or creative the Baudlaire orphans were. Even at the end of the movie, when the viewer is somewhat assured of a happy ending, the viewer no longer believes it, or even cares.
A story that inspires only apathy towards heroism, nobility, and courage is a bad story, and the better is is in technique--ASUE is visually delightful--the worse it is.
ASUE is supposed to be funny, and sometimes it is, but the humor seems to me to be misdirected. Again, we are already trained to laugh at most virtues; do we really need more encouragement to do so?
Do we now prefer unhappiness to happiness? Do we find joy too difficult to believe? Do we really think the universe to be so meaningless?
We should ask ourselves the same question Christ asked the crippled man: "Do you want to be healed?" Do we? Do we want joy, courage, ingenuity, nobleness, and heroism? Or do we prefer angst, cowardice, lack of creativity, meanness, and cynicism?
Do we want to be happy?
These were my thoughts about the film. I do not know if they are correct, or if I am misinterpreting the movie. But I do know this: I would rather watch good triumph over evil in a "simplistic" story, than see random chance and evil prevail, even if it makes me laugh.
"Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things - trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up thing seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."
----Puddleglum, to the Green Lady. The Silver Chair
I'm going to go watch Return of the King.
Friday, December 24
Tuesday, December 21
All Reading and No Socializing Makes Joi A Happy Girl
Best thing about Christmas break so far? Finding a giant (over 800 pages!) book of Ray Bradbury stories, most of which are new to me.
Happy happy Joi...
(ok, yes, being home with the family and the cat is great. But I really like this book, too.)
Best thing about Christmas break so far? Finding a giant (over 800 pages!) book of Ray Bradbury stories, most of which are new to me.
Happy happy Joi...
(ok, yes, being home with the family and the cat is great. But I really like this book, too.)
Friday, December 10
Failure
What makes something/someone a failure? I am wondering this because I feel very much like one lately. I realize, somewhere, that simply not finishing school yet and having trouble paying bills is actually quite normal for a 22-year-old in Southern California, but it still makes me feel like a terrible failure.
But can we call anyone a failure? We don't know ultimate purposes or ends, so how could anyone here make that judgement?
Hmmm. This was originally going to be a post of me trying to talk myself out of feeling like a failure, but it seems to have done so earlier than I thought. I don't know the ultimate purpose or ultimate end of my own life, so I can't pronounce myself a failure; if I can't, how could anyone else ever do so? And others wouldn't presume to do so, no more than I would presume to do so to them.
Hmmm.
What makes something/someone a failure? I am wondering this because I feel very much like one lately. I realize, somewhere, that simply not finishing school yet and having trouble paying bills is actually quite normal for a 22-year-old in Southern California, but it still makes me feel like a terrible failure.
But can we call anyone a failure? We don't know ultimate purposes or ends, so how could anyone here make that judgement?
Hmmm. This was originally going to be a post of me trying to talk myself out of feeling like a failure, but it seems to have done so earlier than I thought. I don't know the ultimate purpose or ultimate end of my own life, so I can't pronounce myself a failure; if I can't, how could anyone else ever do so? And others wouldn't presume to do so, no more than I would presume to do so to them.
Hmmm.
Tuesday, December 7
http://luminarumbra.blogspot.com/2004_12_01_luminarumbra_archive.html#110233048267453796
Thoughts about Liz's post
Thinking lately about the necessity to go into the dark places of the world.
Can those of us who are supposed to be light bearers do anything but go into the dark places? We're already in a dark place; this world is to a large extent a dark place. Our desire to remain only in the light is a good thing (after all, there is no night in the City of God, and the Lamb is their light), but we cannot ignore the dark places. If we do not go there, who will?
Frodo and Sam go into what is probably the darkest place in Middle Earth, and confront Shelob, the one who devours all light. They survive, because they still carry the light.
I know some people are going to question my decision to not only attend an Episcopalian church, but be confirmed in it, and become active in its life. It is, in many ways, a dark place right now (though I believe that there is still a lot of light, as there is in any church with a strong historic tradition/liturgy); but it is the dark places that need the light.
I have seen what one small determined light can do. My priest has been ministering in this area for about 30 years now. For 30 years, it's been a lonely job, from what I can tell. But now, there are a few guys from my church looking at the priesthood. Many of us are entering into Anglicanism intelligently, wanting to know what it's about, and what is expected of us. We are starting to reach out to the rest of the church, and maybe we will make a difference.
Once you have seen the light, it is necessary to go back down into the cave, and try to get others to see it too. It's been a rough journey up from the floor of the cave, and I certainly won't pretend that I see very well. But I can see better than those who are still in the dark, and I have to go down and help them.
Domine, istud quod facio non facio nisi, ut inveniam te. Inveniam te postquam id perfecero.
(Lord, that which I do, I do only to find You. May I find you after I have completed it.)
Nemo enim coronabitur nisi qui legitime certaverit.
(For no one is crowned except he who has striven lawfully)
Thoughts about Liz's post
Thinking lately about the necessity to go into the dark places of the world.
Can those of us who are supposed to be light bearers do anything but go into the dark places? We're already in a dark place; this world is to a large extent a dark place. Our desire to remain only in the light is a good thing (after all, there is no night in the City of God, and the Lamb is their light), but we cannot ignore the dark places. If we do not go there, who will?
Frodo and Sam go into what is probably the darkest place in Middle Earth, and confront Shelob, the one who devours all light. They survive, because they still carry the light.
I know some people are going to question my decision to not only attend an Episcopalian church, but be confirmed in it, and become active in its life. It is, in many ways, a dark place right now (though I believe that there is still a lot of light, as there is in any church with a strong historic tradition/liturgy); but it is the dark places that need the light.
I have seen what one small determined light can do. My priest has been ministering in this area for about 30 years now. For 30 years, it's been a lonely job, from what I can tell. But now, there are a few guys from my church looking at the priesthood. Many of us are entering into Anglicanism intelligently, wanting to know what it's about, and what is expected of us. We are starting to reach out to the rest of the church, and maybe we will make a difference.
Once you have seen the light, it is necessary to go back down into the cave, and try to get others to see it too. It's been a rough journey up from the floor of the cave, and I certainly won't pretend that I see very well. But I can see better than those who are still in the dark, and I have to go down and help them.
Domine, istud quod facio non facio nisi, ut inveniam te. Inveniam te postquam id perfecero.
(Lord, that which I do, I do only to find You. May I find you after I have completed it.)
Nemo enim coronabitur nisi qui legitime certaverit.
(For no one is crowned except he who has striven lawfully)
Monday, December 6
Ok, lots of stuff in this post.
1. Our fun church meeting on Wednesday and its results
2. Going to the LA Diocesan Convention on Friday and Saturday, and its results
3. A long-awaited decision, and ITS results. :)
1. Our church meeting(The Drinklings)
On the first Wednesday of every month, our church has a fun meeting. We call it Drinklings, which is a conflation of "Dry Inklings." It's usually just the college folk and Father David, but other people have come and had a great time too. This time, Father David brought his Roman Catholic priest friend, Eamon Gorman.
Naturally, the talk turned to ecumenism and unity. Many of the people present expressed an opinion that went something like this: "Why do we have all these differents rules for communion and stuff? We won't be doing things seperately in Heaven, so why don't we just say 'Hey, we're all Christians,' and do things together?" (I am dreadfully oversimplifying here, but that was the gist of it.)
This is not the way to achieve unity. Ignoring the very real differences that we have will not help to bring us together. Instead, the questions will continue to be brought up, and we will keep splitting over them.
Let's take a long-term view: continue to disagree, and instead of ignoring the differences, talk about them. Do hard theological work, and keep talking to everyone, from Protestants to Roman Catholics to Anglicans to Orthodox. Do we want unity? Do we want to be able to take communion at each other's churches again? YES! Emphatically, yes. That is the long-term goal, to end the scandal of the Church. But we've got to take it slow and actually answer the questions.
2. The Diocesan Convention
Father David invited a few college students to go to the convention and help run our church booth. Half the booth was for the karate ministry, but the other half was "Evangelical Anglo-Catholicism," complete with a brochure entitled "Why do FIFTY college students attend Blessed Sacrament?"
I drove up to the church around 10am on Friday to meet to go to the convention, which was in Riverside. It was fun driving up, hearing Father David tell us about past years of the convention, and what things had been like until recently.
We got there, set up the table and registered, then went out for lunch. The trip was all-expenses paid by the church, so that was really fun. :) After lunch, we went back to the convention center, and I sat down to man the table while Father David and the other two delegates (Laurel and Josh)went inside the big main hall. I think that the other delegate, Marge Avery, must already have been in there, but I'm not sure. I talked to the Avery's a little later. Anyway, I was sitting at the table, and was soon joined by my friend Emily Moothart. We had fun at the table, answering people's questions, most of which went something like: "Evangelical Anglo-Catholicism...Is that possible? Why Evangelical?" Hehehehehe. It was fun. At one point, I had gotten up for some reason that I can't remember, and Emily got to talk to someone and ended up giving him a lecture on the Trinity. :) So cool.
That night, we got checked in at the hotel (since Emily went home at night, I got a whole room to myself!), then went out to dinner. We went to Applebee's, and had a terriffic time. As soon as we got our drinks, Father David raised his glass, grinned, and gave a toast "To orthodoxy!" We all heartily toasted the faith, and had one of the best dinners I've ever had (it wasn't the food, but the company really). Afterwards, we went walking around the Mission Inn, and saw President Taft's chair, and the centennial Steinway grand piano. We walked around outside the Inn for awhile: the streets were all decorated for Christmas, and they had lots of horse-drawn carriages! We got some coffee, then took a ride on one of the carriages, and enjoyed it completely. After standing around talking a bit longer, we went back to the hotel.
I did a lot of thinking that night, about events of the past week, but that will come under the next point, about decisions.
I got up the next morning, packed up my stuff, and headed out to load it into the car. I saw Father David, who grinned, and said "How would you like to be a delegate? Marge isn't feeling well and can't return, so we've got an empty space." I think I gaped and stuttered for a minute, but happily accepted.
It was so exciting to get there, and have a real badge, and get to go inside the hall where all the real business was being done! Ok, I realize I'm starting to sound like a junior high girl at a concert, but it really was cool. I couldn't vote (Marge had taken her voting stuff home with her, and they couldn't give us replacements), but it was really enlightening to watch. I got to be there for the really interesting stuff: i.e., the decision about a message sent to three churches who have tried to leave the diocese.
These churches have put themselves under a bishop of Uganda, because of differences with the LA bishop (Bishop Bruno). This is not in line with church canons, and has caused a huge disturbance. It also leaves my church as (I believe) the only conservative parish left in the diocese.
I just realized that I don't know how much of what went on I'm supposed to report. Hmm. Ok, I guess I'll say no more than what i can find on official sites on the web.
Let me just say then, for the time being, that what I saw was both discouraging (the current state of ECUSA--Episcopal Church of the United States of America) and very encouraging (i.e., conservative ideas are no longer booed or shouted down, and reconciliation with conservative parishes is actually being attempted.)
When we broke for lunch that day, we went to eat at the Mission Inn restaurant, which was fun.
We got onto a discussion of whether or not animals have souls, which lead in the end to this conversation:
Laurel (or maybe Emily, I don't remember): Father David, do trees have souls?
Father David: Yes. Tolkien talked to them, that's good enough for me.
Hardly any business was left after lunch, and when that was concluded, they had the Eucharist. It was all very cool, and very interesting to see the larger Episcopal church. Which, for me, lead to:
3. My decision.
A couple of months back, at our Wednesday meeting, after talking about some of the problems in the Episcopal church, someone had asked, "So then why should I be a part of it?" Father David responded: "Why should you go to any church? To become a saint. To love Jesus." That really stuck with me, and I've been thinking about it a lot since then.
I was still thinking about it when we talked with Father Gorman last Wednesday, and talked about unity and not splitting the church, and again during the convention when I saw more of the Episcopal Church: the good, the bad, and the just plain strange. And it was then, seeing everything at convention, that lead me to make a firm decision.
I'm going to get confirmed.
Yes, I have decided to become an offical member of the Episcopal Church. Why?
1. To work towards unity, you've got to start from somewhere, a home to base to unite with others.
2. The Episcopal Church desperately needs good people right now. Not that I am saying that I am a good person, but I to do anything I can to help this church. Why?
3. This is my home. The whole tradition is home in a way that the Baptist tradition that I grew up with never could have been. I've been wandering in the wilderness for too long. Time to go into the Promised Land, even if there are giants.
So I'm in the confirmation class, seeking confirmation, after 4 years with this church. Why didn't I do it sooner? I wanted to, in a way, but knew that my reasons for wanting to were not right. If I had gotten confirmed earlier, I would have been trying to please Father David, or be more popular at church, or other silly reasons. But now, I've seen some of the good and the bad of this tradition, and it's still home. Even if I think, in some ways, that other traditions are healthier right now, then that should spur me on to help my church, not abandon it. You don't leave the church. Ever.
Plus, confirmation is about moving into an adult understanding of the faith. I've spent enough years being frustrated and messed up over my church experience as a kid and youth. That was largely a bad experience (the churches, not the traditions which I got at home, which were largely good), but it's time to join a church again. It's time for me to come home. So this little song has been running through my head ever since I made the decision:
I Am Resolved
I am resolved no longer to linger,
Charmed by the world's delights;
Things that are higher, things that are nobler,
These have allured my sight.
I will hasten to him,
Hasten so glad and free,
Jesus, greatest, highest,
I will come to thee.
1. Our fun church meeting on Wednesday and its results
2. Going to the LA Diocesan Convention on Friday and Saturday, and its results
3. A long-awaited decision, and ITS results. :)
1. Our church meeting(The Drinklings)
On the first Wednesday of every month, our church has a fun meeting. We call it Drinklings, which is a conflation of "Dry Inklings." It's usually just the college folk and Father David, but other people have come and had a great time too. This time, Father David brought his Roman Catholic priest friend, Eamon Gorman.
Naturally, the talk turned to ecumenism and unity. Many of the people present expressed an opinion that went something like this: "Why do we have all these differents rules for communion and stuff? We won't be doing things seperately in Heaven, so why don't we just say 'Hey, we're all Christians,' and do things together?" (I am dreadfully oversimplifying here, but that was the gist of it.)
This is not the way to achieve unity. Ignoring the very real differences that we have will not help to bring us together. Instead, the questions will continue to be brought up, and we will keep splitting over them.
Let's take a long-term view: continue to disagree, and instead of ignoring the differences, talk about them. Do hard theological work, and keep talking to everyone, from Protestants to Roman Catholics to Anglicans to Orthodox. Do we want unity? Do we want to be able to take communion at each other's churches again? YES! Emphatically, yes. That is the long-term goal, to end the scandal of the Church. But we've got to take it slow and actually answer the questions.
2. The Diocesan Convention
Father David invited a few college students to go to the convention and help run our church booth. Half the booth was for the karate ministry, but the other half was "Evangelical Anglo-Catholicism," complete with a brochure entitled "Why do FIFTY college students attend Blessed Sacrament?"
I drove up to the church around 10am on Friday to meet to go to the convention, which was in Riverside. It was fun driving up, hearing Father David tell us about past years of the convention, and what things had been like until recently.
We got there, set up the table and registered, then went out for lunch. The trip was all-expenses paid by the church, so that was really fun. :) After lunch, we went back to the convention center, and I sat down to man the table while Father David and the other two delegates (Laurel and Josh)went inside the big main hall. I think that the other delegate, Marge Avery, must already have been in there, but I'm not sure. I talked to the Avery's a little later. Anyway, I was sitting at the table, and was soon joined by my friend Emily Moothart. We had fun at the table, answering people's questions, most of which went something like: "Evangelical Anglo-Catholicism...Is that possible? Why Evangelical?" Hehehehehe. It was fun. At one point, I had gotten up for some reason that I can't remember, and Emily got to talk to someone and ended up giving him a lecture on the Trinity. :) So cool.
That night, we got checked in at the hotel (since Emily went home at night, I got a whole room to myself!), then went out to dinner. We went to Applebee's, and had a terriffic time. As soon as we got our drinks, Father David raised his glass, grinned, and gave a toast "To orthodoxy!" We all heartily toasted the faith, and had one of the best dinners I've ever had (it wasn't the food, but the company really). Afterwards, we went walking around the Mission Inn, and saw President Taft's chair, and the centennial Steinway grand piano. We walked around outside the Inn for awhile: the streets were all decorated for Christmas, and they had lots of horse-drawn carriages! We got some coffee, then took a ride on one of the carriages, and enjoyed it completely. After standing around talking a bit longer, we went back to the hotel.
I did a lot of thinking that night, about events of the past week, but that will come under the next point, about decisions.
I got up the next morning, packed up my stuff, and headed out to load it into the car. I saw Father David, who grinned, and said "How would you like to be a delegate? Marge isn't feeling well and can't return, so we've got an empty space." I think I gaped and stuttered for a minute, but happily accepted.
It was so exciting to get there, and have a real badge, and get to go inside the hall where all the real business was being done! Ok, I realize I'm starting to sound like a junior high girl at a concert, but it really was cool. I couldn't vote (Marge had taken her voting stuff home with her, and they couldn't give us replacements), but it was really enlightening to watch. I got to be there for the really interesting stuff: i.e., the decision about a message sent to three churches who have tried to leave the diocese.
These churches have put themselves under a bishop of Uganda, because of differences with the LA bishop (Bishop Bruno). This is not in line with church canons, and has caused a huge disturbance. It also leaves my church as (I believe) the only conservative parish left in the diocese.
I just realized that I don't know how much of what went on I'm supposed to report. Hmm. Ok, I guess I'll say no more than what i can find on official sites on the web.
Let me just say then, for the time being, that what I saw was both discouraging (the current state of ECUSA--Episcopal Church of the United States of America) and very encouraging (i.e., conservative ideas are no longer booed or shouted down, and reconciliation with conservative parishes is actually being attempted.)
When we broke for lunch that day, we went to eat at the Mission Inn restaurant, which was fun.
We got onto a discussion of whether or not animals have souls, which lead in the end to this conversation:
Laurel (or maybe Emily, I don't remember): Father David, do trees have souls?
Father David: Yes. Tolkien talked to them, that's good enough for me.
Hardly any business was left after lunch, and when that was concluded, they had the Eucharist. It was all very cool, and very interesting to see the larger Episcopal church. Which, for me, lead to:
3. My decision.
A couple of months back, at our Wednesday meeting, after talking about some of the problems in the Episcopal church, someone had asked, "So then why should I be a part of it?" Father David responded: "Why should you go to any church? To become a saint. To love Jesus." That really stuck with me, and I've been thinking about it a lot since then.
I was still thinking about it when we talked with Father Gorman last Wednesday, and talked about unity and not splitting the church, and again during the convention when I saw more of the Episcopal Church: the good, the bad, and the just plain strange. And it was then, seeing everything at convention, that lead me to make a firm decision.
I'm going to get confirmed.
Yes, I have decided to become an offical member of the Episcopal Church. Why?
1. To work towards unity, you've got to start from somewhere, a home to base to unite with others.
2. The Episcopal Church desperately needs good people right now. Not that I am saying that I am a good person, but I to do anything I can to help this church. Why?
3. This is my home. The whole tradition is home in a way that the Baptist tradition that I grew up with never could have been. I've been wandering in the wilderness for too long. Time to go into the Promised Land, even if there are giants.
So I'm in the confirmation class, seeking confirmation, after 4 years with this church. Why didn't I do it sooner? I wanted to, in a way, but knew that my reasons for wanting to were not right. If I had gotten confirmed earlier, I would have been trying to please Father David, or be more popular at church, or other silly reasons. But now, I've seen some of the good and the bad of this tradition, and it's still home. Even if I think, in some ways, that other traditions are healthier right now, then that should spur me on to help my church, not abandon it. You don't leave the church. Ever.
Plus, confirmation is about moving into an adult understanding of the faith. I've spent enough years being frustrated and messed up over my church experience as a kid and youth. That was largely a bad experience (the churches, not the traditions which I got at home, which were largely good), but it's time to join a church again. It's time for me to come home. So this little song has been running through my head ever since I made the decision:
I Am Resolved
I am resolved no longer to linger,
Charmed by the world's delights;
Things that are higher, things that are nobler,
These have allured my sight.
I will hasten to him,
Hasten so glad and free,
Jesus, greatest, highest,
I will come to thee.
Thursday, December 2
United We Stand, Divided...is just the way it goes?
Last night, a group of people from my church gathered at a friend's house for discussion. Our priest was there, and he brought a friend of his, a Roman Catholic priest. It was a great evening, full of both fun and seriousness. At one time, the talk naturally turned to unity. The question was asked (I'll paraphrase): "All this about having different communions and different rules is just stupid. We'll be all together in Heaven, so why don't we just do that now?"
I agree, it is stupid. It's silly to be divided: it's the scandal of the church, and one that has done greater damage, I would wager, than any scandal that has recently rocked either the Catholic or Epicopalian churches.
BUT.
The reason that we are divided is that we have different theology and beliefs about what the Eucharist is and does. These are serious and important differences.
There are two ways of achieving unity. One is to disregard our differences and go for the good stuff of unity, and do everything together. Not that this is a bad desire, but we'll get to that in a minute. The other way is to go along with the seperateness for now, and do hard work on coming to a common understanding of the Eucharist. After all, there's a truth about it, and we all want to get to the Truth, so we're working toward a common goal.
If we go with plan number 1, then we do achieve same practice, but not unity. We will still be divided, and the same questions will keep coming up, and the splits will continue.
If we go with plan number 2, then it may take us centuries to restore unity. But, if we work toward Truth, then it will be real unity, not just commonality of practice. Then, when the questions about the Eucharist come up, we might have some answers, instead of breaking apart again.
So raise your glass, and let's have a toast to unity, and then get on with the hard long work of bringing it about, through the work of the Holy Spirit.
Last night, a group of people from my church gathered at a friend's house for discussion. Our priest was there, and he brought a friend of his, a Roman Catholic priest. It was a great evening, full of both fun and seriousness. At one time, the talk naturally turned to unity. The question was asked (I'll paraphrase): "All this about having different communions and different rules is just stupid. We'll be all together in Heaven, so why don't we just do that now?"
I agree, it is stupid. It's silly to be divided: it's the scandal of the church, and one that has done greater damage, I would wager, than any scandal that has recently rocked either the Catholic or Epicopalian churches.
BUT.
The reason that we are divided is that we have different theology and beliefs about what the Eucharist is and does. These are serious and important differences.
There are two ways of achieving unity. One is to disregard our differences and go for the good stuff of unity, and do everything together. Not that this is a bad desire, but we'll get to that in a minute. The other way is to go along with the seperateness for now, and do hard work on coming to a common understanding of the Eucharist. After all, there's a truth about it, and we all want to get to the Truth, so we're working toward a common goal.
If we go with plan number 1, then we do achieve same practice, but not unity. We will still be divided, and the same questions will keep coming up, and the splits will continue.
If we go with plan number 2, then it may take us centuries to restore unity. But, if we work toward Truth, then it will be real unity, not just commonality of practice. Then, when the questions about the Eucharist come up, we might have some answers, instead of breaking apart again.
So raise your glass, and let's have a toast to unity, and then get on with the hard long work of bringing it about, through the work of the Holy Spirit.
Monday, November 29
Deserter or Loyalist?
I've been thinking about the music I listen to lately. A lot of it is tied to my Southern/Texan roots. I love songs like "Sweet Home Alabama," "Down on the Corner," and just about everything by John Denver. I could sing along to parts of the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack the first time I saw the movie. I not only know who the Kossoy Sisters and the New Christy Minstrels are, I can sing the harmonies on several of their songs.
But I don't want to live in the Texas Panhandle, where I grew up, ever again. I still love that landscape, the wide open prairies and the brilliant night skies. But I'm a university sort of person, and that culture doesn't exist up there.
So, by hanging on to these bits of culture, am I helping to preserve a bit of it, or am I being a traitor by simply "picking and choosing" the bits I like?
I don't like country music, and probably never will. I'm not feigning an interest in it just to be "Texan." But neither do I intend to give up the Southern music I like just because it makes me "weird" to listen to it. I genuinely like the songs "Thank God I'm a Country Boy," and "Christmas for Cowboys," and I'm not about to pretend that I don't. I'm not going to make anyone else listen to them (for which they can be thankful!) but I'm not going to act like I've outgrown them. If anything, I've grown into them. As a kid, I never liked bluegrass music, but as I've gotten older and learned to like Celtic music, I can see those roots in it, and see how it is the root of a lot of music that I really do like. I can listen to some of it now.
So, the question remains: traitor, or loyalist? Am I picking my culture to pieces, or helping preserve a little bit of it?
I've been thinking about the music I listen to lately. A lot of it is tied to my Southern/Texan roots. I love songs like "Sweet Home Alabama," "Down on the Corner," and just about everything by John Denver. I could sing along to parts of the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack the first time I saw the movie. I not only know who the Kossoy Sisters and the New Christy Minstrels are, I can sing the harmonies on several of their songs.
But I don't want to live in the Texas Panhandle, where I grew up, ever again. I still love that landscape, the wide open prairies and the brilliant night skies. But I'm a university sort of person, and that culture doesn't exist up there.
So, by hanging on to these bits of culture, am I helping to preserve a bit of it, or am I being a traitor by simply "picking and choosing" the bits I like?
I don't like country music, and probably never will. I'm not feigning an interest in it just to be "Texan." But neither do I intend to give up the Southern music I like just because it makes me "weird" to listen to it. I genuinely like the songs "Thank God I'm a Country Boy," and "Christmas for Cowboys," and I'm not about to pretend that I don't. I'm not going to make anyone else listen to them (for which they can be thankful!) but I'm not going to act like I've outgrown them. If anything, I've grown into them. As a kid, I never liked bluegrass music, but as I've gotten older and learned to like Celtic music, I can see those roots in it, and see how it is the root of a lot of music that I really do like. I can listen to some of it now.
So, the question remains: traitor, or loyalist? Am I picking my culture to pieces, or helping preserve a little bit of it?
The Return of the Blog
Yes, I am attempting to return to normal blogging again. I have been obsessed with NationalNovelWritingMonth for the past 23 days, but I just hit 50,000 words last night, so that will slack off a bit. Now, for the posting of the book on the other blog, and the months and months of editing!!
Yes, I am attempting to return to normal blogging again. I have been obsessed with NationalNovelWritingMonth for the past 23 days, but I just hit 50,000 words last night, so that will slack off a bit. Now, for the posting of the book on the other blog, and the months and months of editing!!
Wednesday, November 10
Ok, taking a break from the novel to do a real post. I think.
A little depressed today: not sure if it's just backlash from the whole novel-writing thing (which I'm actually doing rather well on), or dread for the art classes I have today, or nervousness over the Plato Metathon this weekend. Everyone in that class intimidates me (except Katie Fisher, I think), and I feel really inadequate. But I've been mostly keeping up, until now. And I'm really REALLY scared that I'm going to say something this weekend, and everyone's going to suddenly realize that I'm not that smart, and is going to...I don't know. That's when I start to realize that this fear is unfounded, because even if that did happen, no-one would blink an eye, or even comment on it, really. It wouldn't change my standing with these people. Not most of them, anyway (the others I don't know well enough to say what they'd do).
So it's got to all be ok, but....Man, it's stressing. I wish some of my friends weren't so distant lately. It's not that they're not friendly, or anything, just...distant.
On the good news front, though, the novel is going well, and yes it has completely taken over my life. To the extent that I forgot to study for a test yesterday. (oddly enough, it was one of my better tests in that class.) Just so long as I don't forget to write the first draft of my paper, which is due next week! But the novel is going well. I'm not using up my plot too soon as I am prone to do, nor am I doing any unnecessary padding, I think. In fact, there are several places where I need to add a LOT of plot. And my writing group laughed a lot at a certain chapter that I liked, so that was good. (for those who are wondering, they loved the flashback in chapter 4, with the guy and his writing group. They loved that whole bit. Yay!)
I trust this book; the characters have started running ahead of me, showing me things about themselves that I had no idea were there. The whole thing with doing flashbacks and memories? Yeah, that was their idea, not mine. It's a good sign when characters start doing that, it means that they've taken on a life of their own. Huzzah!
This has been an incredibly helpful and productive project. This is more words than I've ever written at one time, and the most sustained story I've ever written. It's also very revealing, because I didn't think I could do it. I'm not sure I could without the challenge of doing 50,000 in a month. But I'm a very competitive person, and I refuse to be beaten by a mere deadline! Even if I did start 5 days late!
A little depressed today: not sure if it's just backlash from the whole novel-writing thing (which I'm actually doing rather well on), or dread for the art classes I have today, or nervousness over the Plato Metathon this weekend. Everyone in that class intimidates me (except Katie Fisher, I think), and I feel really inadequate. But I've been mostly keeping up, until now. And I'm really REALLY scared that I'm going to say something this weekend, and everyone's going to suddenly realize that I'm not that smart, and is going to...I don't know. That's when I start to realize that this fear is unfounded, because even if that did happen, no-one would blink an eye, or even comment on it, really. It wouldn't change my standing with these people. Not most of them, anyway (the others I don't know well enough to say what they'd do).
So it's got to all be ok, but....Man, it's stressing. I wish some of my friends weren't so distant lately. It's not that they're not friendly, or anything, just...distant.
On the good news front, though, the novel is going well, and yes it has completely taken over my life. To the extent that I forgot to study for a test yesterday. (oddly enough, it was one of my better tests in that class.) Just so long as I don't forget to write the first draft of my paper, which is due next week! But the novel is going well. I'm not using up my plot too soon as I am prone to do, nor am I doing any unnecessary padding, I think. In fact, there are several places where I need to add a LOT of plot. And my writing group laughed a lot at a certain chapter that I liked, so that was good. (for those who are wondering, they loved the flashback in chapter 4, with the guy and his writing group. They loved that whole bit. Yay!)
I trust this book; the characters have started running ahead of me, showing me things about themselves that I had no idea were there. The whole thing with doing flashbacks and memories? Yeah, that was their idea, not mine. It's a good sign when characters start doing that, it means that they've taken on a life of their own. Huzzah!
This has been an incredibly helpful and productive project. This is more words than I've ever written at one time, and the most sustained story I've ever written. It's also very revealing, because I didn't think I could do it. I'm not sure I could without the challenge of doing 50,000 in a month. But I'm a very competitive person, and I refuse to be beaten by a mere deadline! Even if I did start 5 days late!
Monday, November 8
Sunday, November 7
3 days, 6000 words
Yep, that's how many words I have in my novel so far, give or take a few. Actually, mostly it's give a few; my space bar sometimes doesn't work, and words run together.
6000 words is a LOT of words to write, but not many to read. *sigh* This is depressing. My 4 chapters equal about one and a half decent-length chapters, and 50,000 words is only about 150 pages. So short....and yet, so long.
http://thegiftnovel.blogspot.com Tell me what you think of these brave 6000 words. Into the valley of Microsoft Word galloped the 6000.......Critiques to the right of them, critiques to the left of them...Theirs not to question why, theirs but to write or die. Yeah.
Yep, that's how many words I have in my novel so far, give or take a few. Actually, mostly it's give a few; my space bar sometimes doesn't work, and words run together.
6000 words is a LOT of words to write, but not many to read. *sigh* This is depressing. My 4 chapters equal about one and a half decent-length chapters, and 50,000 words is only about 150 pages. So short....and yet, so long.
http://thegiftnovel.blogspot.com Tell me what you think of these brave 6000 words. Into the valley of Microsoft Word galloped the 6000.......Critiques to the right of them, critiques to the left of them...Theirs not to question why, theirs but to write or die. Yeah.
Friday, November 5
This is NaNoBlogMo!!! National Novel Blog Month, that is. The challenge: write a 50,000 word novel by midnight November 30th! Am I going to try? You bet! Am I crazy? Of course!!!
My story can be found at www.thegiftnovel.blogspot.com. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE critique it! Anyway, please critique it once I get my comments up and running....
My story can be found at www.thegiftnovel.blogspot.com. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE critique it! Anyway, please critique it once I get my comments up and running....
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