Friday, August 24

Continuing with my random thoughts...

...this song has been running through my head a lot lately. I like the song a lot, but it took a while for me to like it at all. I'm no huge fan of Michael W. Smith, but I do think his music of late is a lot better than the songs that built his career (for instance, the song Friends Are Friends Forever should be taken out and shot. And burned.)
But this one...this one is good...My favorite sections are in bold.
"I have been unfaithful,
I have been unworthy;
I have been unrighteous,
and I have been unmerciful.

I have been unreachable,
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling,
and I have been undesirable.

And sometimes, I have been unwise,
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of -
But because of You
and all that you went through,
I know that I have never been unloved.

I have been unbroken,
I have been unmended;
I have been uneasy,
and I have been unapproachable.

I have been unemotional,
I have been unexceptional;
I have been undecided,
and I have been unqualified.

Unaware - I have been unfair,
I've been unfit for blessings from above.
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me, to show me 
that I have never been unloved.
It's because of you
and all that you went through,
I know that I have never been unloved."
It's hard to face up to shortcomings in your own life, and oddly difficult to face up to the things you had no control over (we human beings love our control). Can I control the fact that I am, at the end of the day, pretty mediocre? Not really. I try to make myself better, but I'll never be a great musician, a great artist, a great scholar, or a great writer. There's only so much you can do with what you've got. And that's ok.
It's hard to face up to the fact that I am a prickly person. I don't think I was prickly as a child, though I certainly was shy. I hate that I've made myself this way.
It's hard to realize that I am so often unreachable. I've always been stubborn, but I do remember a time when I was able to let people know what I was feeling and thinking without playing little mind games or withdrawing into myself.
It's hard to admit that I've been undesireable. I can't remember anyone ever telling me that I was beautiful. That I looked nice, yes. That I was interesting, yes. That I had a wacky sense of fashion, definately. But beautiful? Never. And what's hard to admit about that is, there's no reason anyone should have ever told me that. I'm not beautiful, and looking at pictures of myself, I'm fairly sure I never have been (except when I was 6 months old. I was adorable at 6 months!). It's hard to admit that.
In John, Christ says  "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."
Pray for me that I continue in Him, and learn to see myself as He sees me. The truth would destroy me apart from Him.

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