Odd things have been happening with me lately. I've been more nervous, more unsure about my relationships with others, less sure about when my company was actually desired and when it was merely tolerated, etc.
This made no sense to me. I haven't been like this since I was about 11 or 12. I've got a job I generally love, I'm in a great house, with a lovely private room, and a church that I can't imagine being without. This should make me more secure than I've been before, but I'm not. It made no sense to me, until yesterday.
But now I think I know what's going on. Ever since I came out here (here meaning Biola, SoCal, and Blessed Sacrament), I've been somewhat at war with myself. During my teen years, I'd become angry, cynical, and very closed off to others. Thinking back to when I was a child, I don't think this is a normal state of affairs for me. I've always had a temper, but generally didn't spend a lot of time being angry. I was pretty sensitive, but not depressed. I don't think I was ever cynical as a child, I generally remember taking joy in very small things. I don't remember being closed off to others, though I've always been very shy.
What I think has happened is that the cynicism, anger, and isolation have finally fallen away. All the walls, the crud, the scales that I've built around myself since I was about 11 have fallen away. Which leaves me as confused, sensitive, and unsure as I was at that time, but maybe this time around, I can make better choices. Instead of becoming a cynic, I can choose to see goodness, truth, and beauty. Instead of becoming angry, I can let go. Instead of closing myself off, I can open myself to others, in all their strengths and weaknesses, and finally learn to love.
Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief. I am not worthy that Thou shouldst come under my roof, but speak the word only and my soul shall be healed.